Should a champion be adorned in lockets of gold, silver, and diamonds? Should the robe be a royal purple? No. To win the title, you must expose your soul, demonstrate your commitment, and bare your essence. But not your underwear. Let it be decreed – the best dressed designated players shall reside in the West!

Are you a successful mid30´s European or Mexico-based soccer player? Want to come stateside for a few slightly competitive seasons to catch the American vibe? Well, if you are not a former underwear model, I have some bad news – you can only play on the frigid East Coast. They say looks can kill, and out West, you need killer looks to land a DP contract.

The expansion Seattle Sounders have lived the dream of many a housewife, riding on the back of Freddie Ljungberg to a playoff appearance.

Did you know that he had that tattoo? I know – I am now offended and refuse to drive my mini-van full of seven year olds to Qwest field to see such filth. But I´m a minority.

And as for the Los Angeles Galaxy, we all know the hype when Becks landed at the Home Depot Center.

Despite an injury-plagued first season and issues with Donovan, this year the Galaxy have made the playoffs and won the Western Conference. But recent reports indicate his once bulging sixpack has become a whattablah thanks to whattaburger.

But why do I exclude the beasts in the East, you ask? Well, here is a shirtless picture of Cuauhtemoc Blanco.

I rest my case. And I hope the Chicago Fire do not win the crown, just to avoid a possible repeat of said shirtless Blanco. Or maybe the cameras can cut to a fan running onto the field.

I know that I have not been as faithful to the Wizards and I should be. After the coaching change, winless streak, and my move to Central America, I have not been the best fan. But a recent visit to Thad Bell´s insightful BackPost Wizards blog recharged the creative juices.

Yes, MLS is a bit more physical and foul-riddled than your cavior & champagne European ligas, but that´s the point. MLS Manifesto Destino Rule - Your Bandge is your Badge, Wear it Proudly!

I begin by dispelling the stereotype that MLS players don´t quite have the equivalent soccer IQ/decisionmaking as your European darlings. Jimmy Conrad went to a better school than you, has better taste in music than you, and has a wife that is smarter than yours. When not granting interviews to soccerblogs, he has played for the USMNT at the highest level.

But, yes, MLS does have a rough-and-tumble, Western town-amidst-Gold Rush quality. Let´s compare the 2008 EPL and MLS stats for Cards. In MLS, 6 players had two red cards and 47 other players had one red card. In the EPL, 3 players had two red cards, and 12 other players had one red card. Twice as many repeat offenders and about four times as many serous fouls. Ouch.

But here in lies the real problem: you. You, with your leather gloves, Gap designer jacket, and Louis Vatton scarf, you waltz into an MLS stadium and expect Don Giovanni.

You got some nerve and you need a serious attitude adjustment. There is no room for commendatores in this field, good sir. Oh no. The next time you step into Community America Ballpark, I suggest you tie a bandana around your head and come prepared to rock out. The atmosphere is more college indie than stadium-rock, but on the field be ready to mosh and mosh and mosh.

And then mosh just a little bit more.

Grab your air six-strings and thrash along. This is the land of guitar heroes, not protagonists that ponder skulls. This is the land of fractured skulls. And that bandage? Is it really a bandage, because it looks more like a bandana. Scratch that – a badge. Wear it proudly.

Special thanks for Thad Bell, the head honcho at the Wizards soccer blog backpost. The pictures are variations of original photos by Mr. Bell, whose photography website is tpb photos. Check it out!

I have continued my barnstorming tour of MLS stadia this summer, this time visiting Community American Ballpark in Kansas City last night. While the Wizards struggled to break down an organized Real Salt Lake, and ended up losing 1-0, once again my thoughts drifted to certain basic principles for MLS. Several, in fact. And all of them have to deal with the stadium experience.

MLS Commandment #12 – Let Thy Freedom Ring…

I was disturbed at the hatred of freedom. Obligatory sitting? See it to believe it.

I can understand the need for security and control – but as Thomas Jefferson once said, “freedom is also pretty cool, security problems aside.” Also, how can fans effectively express themselves? Plus, when sitting down, you cannot get the proper leverage to shimmy a rival fan with a carefully concealed butterfly knife. You won’t even break skin!

Luckily, other sections of the stadium had more lenient rules:

While the standing is categorically prohibited, in this case due to “viewing concerns,” there are rightful exceptions for the scoring of a goal and the “shirt-shot.” For those UK fans unaccustomed to such in-game promotions, the shirt-shot is when a hitman uses the team jerseys as a silencer when killing an unlucky, randomly-selected rival fan. He then uses that jersey to clean up the blood.

Violating the Spirit of Rules #3 & #5 – Defy thy Colonial Master

Confusion has reigned when interpreting MLS Manifesto commandments #3 and #5, concerning the scarf and English. Basically, we must battle the insidious colonial masters at every turn. Sadly, at Community America Ballpark, the despondent tyrants have established a culinary foothold.

Fish do not go with chips. In fact, fish should only be eaten by coastal-dwellers unable to obtain the necessary beef for a Big Mac. And chips? These were not chips. The gastronomical monstrosity more closely resembled the freedom (not french) fry.

Luckily, though, I saw signs of resistance.

A local band of wheat beer -brewing guerilla mercenaries had established a fort nearby. We can only pray for a successful resistance, although no word yet on if they have been able to securing war financing from the French.

MLS Commanment #13 – Baseball is Not Football is Not Soccer

I understand that Community American ballpark is a stopgap measure – a proper soccer stadium is in the works, and Community America is much better than the cavernous catacombs of Arrowhead. Of course, when choosing between a bank-corporate sponsor and a name offensive to Native Americans, one is in a lose-lose situation.

But some images shocked the conscience. Psst, the soccer jersey did not hid the pitcher’s mound. Not even a little bit.

Also, the Wizards lost 1-0, despite having a man advantage for the entire second half. The Wizards did create a handful of half-chances, but Claudio Lopez’s corner kicks lacked the bite and height to trouble Real Salt Lake.

The final? Well, I left after the seventh inning stretch, but at the time it was a close 1 run affair, with two outs and a full count.

So I was able to catch the Houston-Seattle game, a potential preview of the Western Conference final. The Dynamo owned the first half, but failed to capitalize on a significant possession advantage. They had a 1-0 lead at the half due to a Brad Davis goal, but deserved more. Seattle clawed back for a goal, but what bothered me happened in the stands.

And what I saw requires an addendum to the beloved MLS Manifesto Destino. If you are reading this blog with a young reader, please cover his or her eyes. Because while at Robertson stadium, I saw…

Did you catch it? Okay, a somewhat closer look…

Questions abound. Does this man know that Kenny Dalglish played for Celtic and Liverpool, but never for the Dynamo? Also, and more importantly, King Kenny wore Keegan’s beloved Seven with aplomb, not the number eight.

Thus, we have a new rule for ex-pats that follow MLS: thou shall not defame your beloved premiership deities on MLS jerseys. EVER.

It has been brought to my attention that other blogs have goals and concepts, whereas Futfanatico alternates between tweeting about tweeting, recaps of MLS games, and fawning over celebrity culture. What is our ethos?

The lack of a coherent plan for the blog does not keep me up late at night. But what does bug me is the lack of ground rules for the rising MLS ultras movement. Well, perhaps burgeoning is a better word, because with this new framework for morality I’m sure its going to explode. And now the MLS commandments. As Moses said unto his people – “Thou shall not do these 10 things or else.” Or else.

1) Thou Shall Not Spill. When dancing and bouncing with the Barra Brava at RFK or the Cauldron in Kansas City, one common theme emerged: the spilling of beer on nearby families and soccer moms. This is unacceptable. After the war on Iraq, Kosovo, and Afghanistan, the US must make a stand against collateral damage. It is a question of principle. If the Brits see such reckless behavior, they will be less likely to join us on our oil hunting expeditions.

In that regard, the ultra must also take care when approaching rival fans in parking lots. Please, when swinging your shimmy, avoid contact with wrists, throats, and other arteries, so as to avoid any major red stains that could ruin a white Ralph Lauren skirt or stain an expensive tennis bracelet.

2) Thou Shall Follow Esoteric Dictators. In Eastern Europe and even Italy, the scourge of fascism has reared its ugly head in the stands. This is not acceptable in MLS. America is a bastion of freedom, and ultras should be creative when expressing their First Amendment right to side with ineffective rulers. Stalin? That is so 1941. How about Juan Manuel de Rosas, who stole cattle from his own mom? That was just a suggestion, a subpart of the commandment.

3) Thou Shall Not Wear a Scarf. Is your neck cold? No, really. Because scarves itch and irritate the neck. So unless you live in New England and its a September playoff game, the scarve must go. It is a relic from our colonial past when the Brits taxed us without representation. Why do you wear their shackles, ultras, why?

4) Thou Shall Speak Spanglish. Neither English nor Spanish dominates the MLS, rather a delicious smorgasborg of both. Beer shall not be served, but rather cerveza. It is not a soccer ball, but rather a pelota. And of course, when your team scores, you do not shout goal, but rather scream gooooooooooooooool. And learn to roll your r’s. Rrrright now.

5) Thou Shall Not Speak English. Okay, to avoid any confusion, I am referring to the words “pace, pitch, stuck-in, and wanker.” Unless you are an ex-pat lost in America, no excuses. Pace is a university, pitch only occurs in baseball or TV show executive meetings, and stuck-in refers to quicksand. Only the last word is allowed, and only in reference to an American that uses one of the first three.

6) Thou Shall Boo Blanco. Talented. Successful. Affluent. What’s not to dislike about Blanco, whom you detest. Granted, he drops to the field like a house of cards, but, on the other hand, he does get fouled just a wee bit. But don’t let that dissuade you – hiss, shout, whistle.

7) Thou Shall Not Boo Beckham. David Beckham is committed to being an ambassador for MLS, that is why he is travelingto Italy to spread the MLS gospel. Right? Also Beckham is really sensitive. You don’t boo the clown at the circus, you just laugh and/or throw tomatoes.

8 ) Thou Shall Be Offended. When posting on Bigsoccer, everytime an individual even insinuates that MLS is even slightly inferior to a European league, you must immediately respond with a ten thousand word tirade. And the executive summary must read “You…hurt…my…feelings!”

9) Thou Shall Love Thy Lalas. Come on. No, seriously, come on. The guy has plenty of vices, but he loves American soccer. You love American soccer. Surely you can see eye-to-eye? Granted, he shoots from the hip. But he was right that Beckham did not enter into semi-retirement when coming to the league. Just not as he envisioned.

10) Thou Shall Not Love Stephen Cohen. If Alexi embellishes to stir the pot, at least he genuinely believes in what he says and has a goofy optimism to his remarks. Cohen? Disgusting. Reprehensible. Stirring the pot to stir the pot, with no regard for the facts and the sensitivity of a situation, is not acceptable.

And Scousers, respect breeds respect. A song making light of Munich? Sadly, for every respectful and good natured forum like this, the echoes of that awful song reverberate all too often.