First, for those who doubt the role of the homegrown talent that  plays the part of supersub, let’s re-live a classic moment of American cinema. We shall call it the “Guti-Rudy Moment.”

Guti did get considerably more minutes than Rudy, but the effect was always the same – despite concerns over stamina and his first step, the Madrid faithful knew the blonde boy wonder was a wizard with the ball at his feet. Take a walk down memory lane and drool at the array of fake shot/slide rule passes.

Of course, in addition to the vision for the game, Guti was quite adept at using both sides of the foot. From taconcitos to taconazos, Guti unlocked defenses with cunning and guile. His first touch was impeccable, and one could see him tap-dancing the night away to this Little Richard’s classic “Tooty Fruity” (which happens to rhyme with Guti!).

So there you have it – Guti is gone. The Mourinho era has begun, praising defensive diligence and work rate over creativity and vision. Or perhaps this is just the sands of time running out on a fabled career, a 33 year old recognizing his legs can’t compete with players half his age. Either way, there’s no reason to be snooty or engage in cruelty when reflecting on Guti. He was Madrid’s super sub for many a reason, a role he played well and willingly.

More importantly, the first hearing, for an individual charged with having a personal debt & enjoying football, went well and ended in a conviction. Naturally, this person was sentencing to having a “D” branded on his chest, mandatory stitching of a large D on all articles of clothing, and was banned for life. Still…. two major problems arose – (1) kicking people out of a voluntary organization really lacks bite, and (2) I was the person found guilty and banned. And I’m the president. Here’s the story…

The week started poorly – apparently, a club up to its neck in debt, destined for relegation, closed in by administration, actually had success on the pitch. Yes, Portsmouth made the FA Cup Final. Unfortunately, this threw a little wrench into our “debt consumes and destroys all it touches” narrative. People began to think – hey, if football is a business like any other, then they have balance sheets, and a reasonable proportion of debt may actually indicate health. In a word, the cloud of debt grew wide and darker, fogging all minds to the simple and always true truth of its evilness.

What is FCDSTT to do in such a situation, when the Sith have corrupted the minds and hearts of the senate? It’s quite simple – find and stone a scapegoat. A big one.

Unfortunately, our legal advisers informed us that stonings and burnings could pose liability issues, even if done with extreme care and caution. We tried to compromise on a well greased guillotine where the guilty would really feel nothing, but no cigar. Thus, we had to settle for the “D” tattoo, stitches, and a lifetime ban.

Then came the hard part – picking a victim, a scapegoat if you will, to distract people from the rampant lies about debt floating about the blogosphere. Well, since FCDSTT is a voluntary organization and I was the only member, it fell on me. Plus, I had recently accepted a new credit card, so I was definitely on the hook personally.

The trial went very well – I was presumed guilty and had no proof of my innocence. The beauty of the W.I.T.C.H. is that you don’t need to rely on “creative interrogative techniques” to coax confessions – by presuming innocence and not believing the accused’s testimony, you get a guilty conclusion 99% of the time!

So I was found guilty, a big success for FCDSTT. Granted, it looks sorta bad that the President got caught with his hands forever tainted by the black stain of debt. However, on the plus side, this conviction would show to the world that FCDSTT meant business.

But, at sentencing the problems arose. As a voluntary member, I was told that I had to get a gigantic black tattoo of “D” on my chest and stitch gigantic D’s on all my clothing. Well, given the newness of FCDSTT and the bare coffers (all our funds went to paying that first lease), I was expected to pay for all this out of pocket. Yeah. Right. Plus, I was already kinda banned from FCDSTT.

So, I reasoned – I’m kicked out of FCDSTT and I’m going to pay for a hideous tattoo and ruin my clothing? Sure thing. Yep. Or, maybe, just maybe…I’ll do neither. End of story.

The only conclusion I can draw is that if Supporter’s Groups are serous about combating debt, they really need super harsh punishments, ruthless tactics, and cannot be volunteer-only. Also, all death threats should be sent certified mail, just to add credibility. Emails are a no-no.

Is this the death of the death of debt in football? I don’t know…

As the collective footballing conscious surfs the Somalian-Pirate infested internet waters in search of streams, or the lower class with middle class pretensions pay for cable, I….I will be not watching the game. Yes. I am not watching the game. Instead, I am relying on my input of the game on my readers. Yes. YOU. Your tweets are all that I will see, feel, touch, and smell as Madrid duels with Barcelona.

I also will be at the beach, with my feet in the sand, the sun on my chest, and hopefully a delicious chocobanano in my mouth.

Please don’t lie to me. Please don’t hurt me. And be descriptive in your tweets!…..

Epilogue

On the plus side, I will be able to write a neat little match recap of the game soon after. I can create a nice little chronology of short sentences that detail the main events of the game. Such as “Gago coughed up possession in his own area, Xavi sprung Iniesta, who squared for Messi to score.” Or “Sergio Ramos jumped really high, headed a ball, and scored a goal. An own goal.”

But seriously, I’m by nature an optimist, and if Madrid wins I can yell to my hearts content, and if we lose then I can crawl into a closet and cry. If we were at the beach, well, the riptide and asphyxiation is so tempting this time of year….

Shady Selections

Well, the vote is final. 2 in favor of going home to watch the game, 1 abstain, and 1 against. This post has been an utter failure on many levels – also, I did not manager to get a luscious dark Irish-Mexican freckle-tan or obtain a delicious chocobanano.

To further complicate matters, Fernando Gago is starting for Madrid. While it speaks to Madrid’s depth that Lass can go down and we have a pretty skilled replacement, this is the same Gago that begged for a move in January. This is the same Gago that really was a poor sport in the Argentina-US friendly at Giants stadium not too long ago.

I hope Gago does well and exceeds expectations, but really, this game fills me with dread more than anything. It’s like getting out of jail on December 23rd after serving 10 years for a felony that you plead guilty to. The night of the 24th you aren’t smiles, you aren’t pleasant, you’re just bummed….bummed that you know your stocking will be full of coal and nothing more.

The Dilemma

So, everybody else wants to see the game life. The World’s future greatest footballer for Real Madrid? Junito has voted for traditional consumption….. And the missus? Well, she likes to see the long flowing locks of one Leo Messi. She also votes for live consumption. My daughter, Angie, is a disinterested neutral. If I can convince here to vote no, on the premise she can make sandcastles, I just may be able to pull off this stunt…..

The Up/Down Debate?

I will be updating this blog and my adventure to Padre Island with a new perspective – that of the vertical. Yes. Readers will no longer have to scroll down to read the latest chapter as my experiment unfolds. I have but one simple request – do not livetweet this or live tumble this. AND DO NOT liveblog this. Just tweet as if I were an unsuspecting fly on a wall….

Prologue

Why? Why am I electing to devoid myself of the pleasures of sight? Is this one of those weird Catholic things? No. I am doing this because of Fredo. No, not Frodo. No, not Bedorrarci. Fredo.

You see, Fredo and a certain Dunmore introduced me to the world of “teletext.” Granted, when my mom found out I was hanging out with such sly players, she got worried. She knew that the purely textual consumption of an event is addictive, like a WorldCupBlog liveblog while at work or an ESPN gamecast of a baseball game.

So here I am, at your textual mercy. Is Cristiano Ronaldo’s hair iguana-like in its glory? Did I put on enough suntan lotion or will my unique Irish-Mexican tan-freckle make an appearance? Only time will tell….

I am alarmed by recent news revealed by the NY Times. You see, I had long believed that supporter participation would mathematically lead to long-term planning and an avoidance of debt. However, in Spain, where the top two clubs hold elections for top officials, this democratic formula has backfired. Even ignoring the Madrid summer spurge, it seems Madrid and Barca pay the most in salaries to players.

How can we ensure that FCDSTT does not fall into this trap? How can we ensure that supporter pressure does not lead to big summer signings and further debt? It’s quite simple – we must turn the death threat focus to within FCDSTT.

Granted, the first death threat did not go so well. I have received no word yet from Pusky, and think it may have damaged our up-and-down friendship. I’m also not sold that the electronic mail median really communicates the seriousness of the threat. Plus, there is a slight risk that the email got gobbled up by a spam filter. Conversely, Pusky may be on vacay and just not checking his email like he usually does. Whatever.

Now, when I talk about “death” and “our own members” I know I may sound a bit paranoid and standoffish. I know your main concern – the rule of law. Rest assured, we will have rules. And laws. In fact, we will have boatloads of them! For example, water boarding positively absolutely cannot exceed a time period of four minutes and cannot be used more than twice within a 24 hour period. There. Are you happy?

Now let’s move on to the goods.

I’ve devised a special tribunal that will handle all of our “internal debt accusations.” Why not just use a regular court, you ask? Speed. Efficiency. Justice delayed is justice denied. Also, given the amorphous and intrinsically evil nature of debt, our enemies may move and strike with the lightning speed of a used credit card. We must be equally nimble.

The name for this special process is the “Worthwhile Inspection Tribunal-Court Hearings.” A few key details – the burden of proof is on the accused. The accuser is always the judge. And the burden of innocence is way waaaaaaay beyond a reasonable doubt. Future WIT-CH trials will define the contours of “waaaaaaay,” but surely you get the idea.

The biggest problem right now is logistical – where will the WIT-CH trials be held? I have found some pretty neat rentals in Salem, Massachusetts, although I am reluctant to put a pen to paper on any lease before our first “trial.” And that brings me to your next concern: lenient WIT-CH judges.

I still haven’t made my mind up on this dilemma. On the one hand, a one-size-fits all punishment to every instance of debt would certainly deter its encroachment in the sacred ground of football. However, on the other hand, when we tie judge’s hands, we may prevent them from imposing even more draconian punishments.

Any ideas? Thoughts? Suggestions? Names of individuals you would like to accuse?

Now, I know your concern – legal liability. Well, don’t worry, we sent out our first death threat as a dry run to a close friend that is a former player. Who? Yeah right, you already know…PUSKY!

Now, I know what one may say – a death threat sent to a person that is already dead seems a bit, shall we say, weak. Exactly. I did a little legal research, and death threats towards dead individuals are not a crime in any country in the world. Thus, we covered our liability bases, even at the cost of effectiveness. And we of course kept a professional tone….

Concise. Simple. To the point. Brevity is appreciated by the grader and most definitely the busy professional athlete and/or CEO. Are the demands a bit unreasonable? Well, the timeframe is a bit unrealistic, but I’m always open to negotiations. And, in my experience, the first offer always leads to a counter offer and then both sides negotiate towards the middle. I mean, if we start off with a 5 year plan or some crap, then they will come back with a 20 year plan and the interest will choke off any hope of improvement in the short-term.

Now, I know that some people may say – hey, isn’t this a conflict of interest? How come the leader of FC Distrust Supporter’s Trusts Trust (FCDSTT) is also sending out these emails? Isn’t this also a bad use of time? A poor allocation of resources? Isn’t this just replicating the problems of football’s mismanagement?

Look. You have a point. But Football is over a hundred years old, and FCDSTT is not even upon the one month anniversary. So, for the time being, I am wearing a few different caps until we get our 501(c)(3) approval here stateside. But I am very explicit in my titles so that the receiver of these emails knows about any potential conflicts of interest.

So now we just sit and wait. I wish that the dead Pusky had a website or something like Andrei Arshavin, but he allegedly closed his facebook account due to privacy concerns. He still has twitter, but has not tweeted in many a blue moon. We must show resolve, though. We are fishers of men, fishers of footballers and their managers.

And once they respond to our demands, once we put them through the net of our death threats, only the filth and scourge of debt shall remain. And we shall be free…

I, however, remain unconvinced. In the States, the word “trust” is synonymous with tax evasion, so perhaps its just my cultural bias. Of course, as a fan, my immediate concern is watching my team win the next game. Thus, I want my club to spend a ton on talented players’ wages so that we win that next game on the path to a championship.

I have a feeling I am not alone in my view of fanhood.

I also have the slight sensation that I am not the only person uneasy with these so called “trusts.” However, rather than toss the baby out with the bathwater, I will offer an alternative – my very own Soccer Trust. Anyone can be a member, but we will have a few very stern principles. Please join.

First, we have no specific club affiliation. We are a “soccer as a concept” trust, not a club-specific lobby group. This is crucial to our objectivity and neutrality when evaluating soccer and our own lovely clubs. I really don’t want this project to get bogged down in “reality” or “details.”

Second, absolutely positively no debt. This means nobody associated with this Trust can even have a credit card. Why? Because debt can lead to temptation. Debt is the purest evil of all pure evils. While several businesses operate at a loss for years at a time, soccer is not a business. Soccer is not some profit generating cow to be milked when you get thirsty! So no debt. And the CEOs cannot have a credit card, not even a prepaid credit card.

And if they have a mortgage, will they just need to sell their homes at a loss and start renting.

Third, the death threats. From what I’ve seen, this is the key to any successful Supporters’ Trust. A death threat gets us free publicity and also an air of credibility with the coaches, players, and executives. Anyone can light a candle outside a house or wear some obnoxious t-shirts, but only one thing gets a busy professional’s attention – the prospect of their imminent demise.

Now, I know your immediate concern. And believe me, it worries me too.

Overuse. I know if we just send of death threats to any old player or coach, or even more than once a week, we will lose all credibility as an organization. That’s why we will be limited to one death threat per month. Also, death threats, like your vacations at work, will not rollover. I could easily see a situation where we save up all death threats for a season, and then go to town in May. And you know what? I think that would just be counterproductive.

But who decides the worthy threats? That leads me to the organization element.

Fourth, the death threats committee. We will need an odd number of individuals to head the death threat selection committee. Now, I am a bit more flexible about this. I think 5 is a good solid number, but 7 is also okay. 3 I think could make any committee disputes a bit too personal – and in the heat of a “death threat draft,” I want to make sure that calmer heads prevails. I think 9 is a bit on the big side, yielding an unwieldy bunch that may be a bit too long on discussion and light on action.

And of course, you ask, who will chair this committee? Well, I think I can chair the first few months of meetings. However, after we get things started, I am perfectly open to one of my readers taking the reigns for a spell. Should there be term limits? A rotating chair? I am open to all these ideas – but believe the committee fundamentally should vote by simple majority on such matters.

And will the committee draft and deliver these death threats? Won’t that eat up a lot of time? That leads to the most important and difficult part of this venture. I, however, have an idea.

Fifth, the death threats administrative assistant. I envision the death threats committee being volunteer based at least in the first three years, thus very few will have the spare time and energy to actually deliver these threats. As a result, we will need to do some initial fundraising to pay a part time administrative assistant. Conversely, we may also be able to poach some uni intern talent.

However, one thing is clear – this administrative assistant needs to lean on the menacing side in demeanor and appearance. No Mary Poppins, mind you. Now, I’m not saying we need a bearded biker in a leather jacket, but the qualities of “edge” and “danger” will be sought during the initial round of interviews. Also, grammatical errors and misspellings on the cv may be a plus – we really don’t this edgy and dangerous person to be too detail oriented.

Thus, that is my short-term plan for FC Distrust Supporters Trusts Trust. I invite you to join, but strap yourself in for a ride. At FCDSTT it’s not all about the death threats, but yes, they do play a large part in our identity as an institution committed to the betterment of football.

Jozy Altidore scored in his first English Premiership game. But, aside from the impeccably timed run, lovely first touch, and precision shot, what does this goal mean in the postcolonial struggle against/for oppression? Let’s speculate/elucidate/complicate.

For the US national team, Jozy is the classic Lacanian “Big Other,” often playing target forward, or “A”, alongside speedy and mobile “Little Others” such as Charlie Davies, rather “a”. While the little “a” shares a perceptual likeness, this little other merely reflects the “A” as if a mirror and a body. All of which depends on the imaginary order.

For HullCity , the relationship is inverted. I would boldly posit that Jen Vennegoor is the Big A, a hulking Dutchmen of a striker with superb hold-up play and a large frame to throw around. Thus, this puts Jozy in a precarious yet also powerful position of submission/domination. One the one hand, he can take advantage of the radical alterity of Vennegoor to run onto glancing headers and deft first touches. On the other hand, Jozy is not blessed with a super quick first step.

At least not by Lacanian or Premiership standards.

]]> http://futfanatico.com/2010/02/09/jozy-altidore-le-lacanian-stade-du-hull-city/feed/ 0 http://futfanatico.com/2010/01/28/donovan-cahill-shake-the-shackles/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=donovan-cahill-shake-the-shackles http://futfanatico.com/2010/01/28/donovan-cahill-shake-the-shackles/#comments Thu, 28 Jan 2010 01:50:20 +0000 Elliott http://futfanatico.com/?p=4632 Landon Donovan scored his first goal for Everton in the Premier league. He was assisted by Tim Cahill, an Australian. Both men have returned to the land that colonized their land of birth. What does this mean in the post-colonial struggle to reestablish notions of the self and identity that do not rely on the colonizer’s assumptions? Okay, take a moment and skim over “Gender Trouble” by Judy Butler. Now, we begin.

Landon is “on loan” to Everton, a “football club” of the “English Premiership.” Donovan has been criticized for being indecisive, but these critiques fail to take into account one simple truth – Donovan is playing the role of “player” in an attempt to subvert postcolonial balances of power. His performance today was just that – a brilliant individual act, a single step on the path towards redefining power relations.

Take a second and “watch” the “goal.”

There are two obvious critiques to the above interpretation. First, Donovan is playing by the “master’s rules.” He has returned to the brutal colonizer’s home and is begging on the doormat to be let back in. He is getting paid in pounds and speaking English in interviews. But this criticism overlooks the power of irony – Donovan’s performance contains a subtle wink and nod to the close interpreter of texts. When Donovan clinched his fist and shrieked after the goal, it was if to say – “I am only doing this to draw attention to the flawed values and discourse pervasive in this societal undertaking. Look at yourselves – what have you done today?”

The second critique is that what I just wrote makes absolutely no sense but to a bunch of over educated nerds. The drinking of a beer would be more beneficial to brain cell development.

I have no reply.