Have heart Real Madrid faithful, the Phoenix shall rise from the ashes. Barcelona‘s roster will age, wither, and eventually lose to us on a more regular basis. However, until then, we must cope. Seven points give us solace, but not joy. Rumors of Mou’s departure stalk our nightmares. Only one thing can brighten these dark times: laughing at amusing and ill conceived pictures.

In that respect, I present the first ever Futfanatico Caption Contest with the grand prize being the honorary title of “First Ever Champion of a Futfanatico Caption Contest.” Put that on your Linkedin Profile and smoke it! But seriously, here are the rules:

You have seen the above picture. Now, write something funny. More specifically…

1) Be Good-Natured.

I don’t want to ruin your view of life, but I heard that this one time a fan got angry about something about his or her soccer team. In reality, said fan hates his or her life and projects that aggression onto unsuspecting and well paid professional athletes. Pity them. This blog is a well guarded preserve of the passive aggressive, so an unacceptable entry would be “Xavi and Iniesta suck and shit.”

Here are some acceptable entries: “Win at the Bernabeu & Three Thumbs Up!” Or perhaps: “We won, & now we dance….the Macarena.” Also: “Xavi Silences Madrid Crowd; Goes for Swing in Banana Hammock.” You can cut a little closer, perhaps with: “We Lost the League…But Won the Bernabeauty Contest Hands Down.” And lastly: “Greg Lougannis Eat Your Heart Out.”

2) Don’t be Heterosexist.

The key aspect of this picture is a short, hairy dude in a speedo giving the thumbs up. Xavi might as well be on Semana Santa in Monaco. I don’t want any gay jokes and I will be moderating the comments to that effect. All sports involve some degree of same sex bonding, but displays of affection should not be construed or misconstrued to prefer one sexual orientation over another.

3) The Contest Closes At An Undefined Point In Futureland.

My real job has deadlines. I hate them. Thus, this pic caption contest will continue ad infinitum. I prefer that you add your entry to the comments of this post. However, you can send them to me at futfanatico (at) gmail (dot) com. You can also tweet me them, you lazy bastard you. In one weeks’ time, special guest judge Dr. Moschlavius Gumperteer will return to name the top entries and winner. And maybe even give some useful SEO tips! So put on your creative thinking cap and then be ready to dust off that black hat!

Note: this pic was spotted by the eagle eyes of Neil Sandwich. He regularly contributes to the collection of artists formerly known as Surreal Football: the FCF.

Pretty sweet cover, right? It is “Don Diego en su biblioteca – Diego Maradona in his personal library.” Why? Because we all know that Diego counts reading among his famously favorite hobbies. That’s why. Obvio.

But details briefly aside, the ebook is now available! For only $5.99! Click here to purchase the ebook for the Amazon Kindle or click here for the ebook for the Barnes & Noble Nook. You can even try out a free limited sample, just to test the waters. What are you waiting for? Oh, you don’t have a Kindle or Nook, you say. Well, here’s some advice.

I hate to break promises and bad news, but there will be no print edition. I’ve exhausted all possibilities, including print on demand, and it’s just not in the cards. Why? The biggest hurdle is that print editions require significant front-end capital. Guess what I don’t have – significant front-end capital. Print editions also lead to acid rain and, unconfirmed reports suggest, an Angel loses her wings every time you buy a print book. And a puppy dies. Do you really want that weighing on your conscience?

Also, on a meta-scale, I’m not eager to buy a non-refundable one way ticket on the Hindenburg express. Brick & mortar paper book stores are not exactly thriving. At first I contemplated a super limited print run at a much higher price. However,  unlike the DVD-teases at Netflix, I decided against gorging prices on an outdated median. I will instead frankly & forthrightly deliver the deathblow on your behalf. Cold. Heartless. Efficient. In a word: me.

But there is good news: you still have options. And here they are…

First, you can simply download the free PC version of the Kindle. Or download the free PC version of the Nook. Then you can enjoy reading the book on your very own personal computer. What could be lovelier?

Second, if you have a smartphone or tablet computer, download the free Kindle App or free Nook App for that device. There is a Nook app for just about everything. Same goes for the Kindle. You will look so smart & hip & chic reading my ebook on your Ipad or Galaxy at that dive-coffee shop. Sip on a Shiner. Gawk at the lovely 30 plus original illustrations by Erik Ebeling. Stutter at the brilliant simplicity of Brian Phillips‘ foreword. Flirt with the barista with the Buddy Holly glasses that still lives in his parents’ basement. What could be more life affirming?

For you author wannabes, here’s the dirty details on ebook self-publishing. No, I am not a salesman that gets a commission for plugging the Kindle & Nook. Rather, most other e-reader devices required me to use Smashwords, an antiquated one-size-fits-all conversion site that also takes a chunk out of the commissions on my sales. I know – a fully automated one time service that profits off royalties. Sounds like a scam. Tastes like a  scam. It is a…….You get the picture. Thus, I chose to avoid it.

Instead, I used Booknook to contract out the conversion of my Word Doc into Mobi and Epub for a one-time fee.  They were professional, had a quick turn-around time, did a bang up job, and offer reasonable rates. I highly recommend them. They were superior to the free Calibre conversion software around the web, especially in regards to the formatting and images. However, I duly note, Calibre is pretty cool.

Sadly, despite having an Epub version, I am not selling directly on the Apple Bookstore because they require an eISBN number. What is that, you ask? An id number for a book, from the era of antiquity. ISBN numbers were useful in the past to keep track of paper book stats, but the internet has rendered them obsolete. More disturbingly, unlike the affordable and government-issued ISBNs in other countries, in the United States all authors and businesses who seek such an ISBN number have to deal with a dreadful private/public partnership: Bowker. Combining the monopoly power of the state with the pricing power of capitalist swines, they charge three figures per ISBN number. Not…worth….it.

Also, Apple boasts about the “halo effect” but has questionable business practices to snuff out competition. Sadly, due to a pricing dispute with Amazon, folks with iPads and iPhones will need to purchase the book at the Amazon website via Safari or another browser. They cannot directly buy books via the Kindle app as of today.

If you want any more juicy tips, shoot me an email. I offer competitive ebook consulting hourly rates.

Oh, and buy the book. Click here for the ebook for the Kindle. Click here for the ebook for the Nook.

Contest winners, we will be in touch. The artist is probably going to sign some prints of the gorgeous artwork in the book, and that will have to suffice for your award. I know a lot of you put your heart & soul into that arduous three question quiz. It will not be in vain, I assure you. Lo siento!

Note: Bowker does offer discounted ISBN numbers for large purchases – a decent situation for large publishers, but not good for individual authors.

What can I say, I’m a total content-tease. But the time has come to make good on my earlier promise and bare all. Or at least some. Thus, I reveal that my forthcoming book is titled “An Illustrated Guide to Soccer & Spanish.” It is loosely based on my famous but now slightly antiquated Spanglish series from a few years back.

The book is divided into two sections: an illustrated narrative that gives concrete examples of key Spanish soccer terms. The other section is a Spanish-to-English and an English-to-Spanish dictionary of sporting terms. The terms are plucked from my Mexican-American brain, but also with lots of input from a Spaniard based in Barcelona, a Paraguayan based in Boston, a Mexican based in Mexico City, and Charlie, a recent graduate of Texas A & M (a beta reader).

Thus, I anticipate absolutely no debate whatsoever about the terms & definitions.

Not. Language is fluid. Language is dynamic. My book is intended, as Brian eloquently put it in the Foreword, to open the flow of communication between the two strands of American soccer supporters: the lovable anglos and the veteran Latinos. I am banking on people claiming that my English approximation of “media punta” is not 100% accurate. That’s part of the fun. It is also fun to learn a new language.

You can download a delightful free sample of the Third Chapter in PDF right here. If you see any glaring errors, feel free to shoot me an email at Futfanatico (at) gmail (dot) com. Of course, I am aware of those errors and am only secretly testing you to see how smart you are. Will you cut the grade? Let’s hope so. For your sake.

AND DRUM ROLL PLEASE. The winners of the rigorous three question quiz contest are….

Heather S of Kansas City.

James T of Pennsylvania.

J.Y. from the US of A.

Antonio from Houston.

Luca of Toronto, Canada.

These fine five persons will be receiving a signed copy of the print version. Look upon their names with envy, disgust, and jealousy. Grind your teeth. Feel your face turn red. Sigh in frustration. That could have been your first name and close approximation of your place of residence on these hallowed pages. But it isn’t. And you have nobody to blame but your significant other who is probably right that you spend too much time online.

However, don’t get too down on your contest-losing self. I suggest you download either the free Nook for PC application or the free Kindle for PC application. Unless you already own a Nook or Kindle. In which case, sit tight. Why? Well, the ebook is already in advanced stages and will come out before the paperback print edition. When? Soon. That’s when. The ebook will also only cost $5.99, as compared to $10.99 for the book. I know, I know, your bookshelf needs replenishing. But newsflash – the bookshelf will soon go the way of the CD stand. Dodos use them to make their nests. And if you’re on the fence about ereaders, the WSJ has given good marks to both the Kindle and Nook.

Once again, a free PDF sample to those interested right here. But after sniffing the appetizer, please try to control your ravenous hunger for the entire book. Trust that the tray is in the oven, cooking to near perfection. Expect a super major and important announcement on August 4th. I hope you have your ereader or PC Nook/Kindle app by then. Hint. Wink. Surreptitious wink. Finger pointing at surreptitiously winking eye.

In the meantime, expect some light posting with the occasional tweet. You can also entertain yourself at the new Santa Pelota with Roberticus’ Brazil tactics analysis. WSC also has a nice, succinct article on Brazil’s conquest to win something more important than a title – their own fans’ support.

Loyal reader, Speaker of le Spanish, and tweeter extraordinaire “Sean Rubio” has won the highly competitive Futfanatico-Design-My-Header-For-Free contest. Congrats! Using the magic of javascript, his header is rotating with the Maracanazo. Did you see it? Click refresh. Now click on the ads. Now click refresh Still not working? Click refresh. Now click on the ads. Still not working?

But seriously, we assure you that Sean is in no way associated with the Carlos Gardel song “Rubias de Nueva York” and resides on the West Coast.  Thanks Sean and to everyone who entered! I’m just relieved that Pitchinvasion didn’t find a way to win. Granted, I had to distract Tom with a side project.

For the record, Ms. Meow is alive, well, and drinking lots of delicious and wholesome milk. She enjoys purring, chasing feathers attached to the end of sticks, and sitting on laps. In that order.

Would you like to make a bunch of hardworking, inner city children smile? So would I.

But why not do the next best thing  – make one suburban brat moderately happier by entering the Futfanatico “anyone can design a better header than me” award. You could win a prominently displayed link, lots of affection praised upon your work, and, more importantly, save a life.

Do not worry – the failure to find a new header will not result in the immediate death of helpless kittens.

No, Ms. Whiskers is safe for now – I am dutifully filling the milk bowl. But, sadly, if I have to devote much more time to tracking down opensource image editors, I may just become forgetful. And, gasp, if I have to pay money for such services, well, that would directly trade off with Kitten food.

So now that you know such horrendous truths, you are morally obligated to act by designing a cool header for my website. I will give you two week’s time to submit your work – remember, I want something dark with 60′s or 70′s era black /white photos of footballers. Plus, the moniker “Breaking Soccer News” should appear somewhere.

But don’t worry, no rush. I can’t even find my helpless-kitten-drowning-sack in the garage. I think it’s at the dry cleaners, but I’m not sure. And I don’t want to have to find out.

Two weeks, eternal gratitude and linkage yours, plus saving a kitten’s life. What’s NOT to like? And midterms are months away…

Email your masterpieces to futfanatico (AT) gmail (DOT) com.