The Frank Lampard Appreciation Society offers another unique, unadulterated glimpse into the voyage of life of one tragic Monseur Lampeur.

DECEMBER 6, 2011

It’s funny how the clothes we wear reflect who we are, and I don’t mean those t-shirts that the mentally handicapped wear and include the person’s name, number, and address. I mean something more meaningful. I’ve worn the blue of Chelsea for several years. It has become a part not just of my repertoire, but of my essence. So it was blue tears that streamed down my cheeks when Mr. Manager Gopher called me into into his office and explained I would not start against Valencia.

Yes, the team won. But that notoriously obnoxious Kalou came on before me. He even stuck out his tongue at me when Manager Gopher called his name before mine. Obviously, as a professional, I did not immediately retaliate but definitely thought about writing him a really nasty note. Still, sitting on the bench and watching the team win without me hurt. A lot. I didn’t cry, but I didn’t not cry. Replays are inconclusive, but a series of mini-tears may or may have not formed and scampered down my face. Hmph.

DECEMBER 12, 2011

Another meeting with Manager Gopher, another dose of bad news – not starting vs. City either. This whole not starting thing has really started to take a toll. I know that, at age 34, walking an hour and a half twice per week is a daunting physical task, but Chelsea has top rate cardios. I feel just as slow at 34 as I did at 24, yet something has changed. My blue kit used to fill me with pride and put a spring in my step, now I feel a great weight. I yearn to wear it, yet also dread to wear it.

The other day, while going through an old trunk full of family stuff, I found the sailor boy costume that my mother used to dress me up in when I was in my late teens. I recalled my childhood, when I would spend countless hours in that sailor boy outfit and even attend special sailor boy galas with my mum. Times were so much simpler then. I didn’t actually sail a boat or anything, but I loved that outfit. I felt like Popeye and mum was my Olive Oil. All I needed was some spinach and anything was possible! Now, I can’t walk half a game without needing an ice bath. Sigh. Maybe Mr. Gopher has a point after all…..

COMMENT ADDED BY FRANK ON DECEMBER 15, 2011

The funny thing about always being right is that you never get sick of not being wrong. Ever. Manager Gopher subbed me in, and whala, within a few minutes, I’d pointed at Sturridge, a good lad, and told him to score a goal or get an assist. He did the next best thing: he won a penalty kick. And guess who converted it? A hint: he looks quite dapper in a custom made sailor suit & cap for a teenage boy. Me!

It’s not all good news, though. Naturally, at my young age and with only two years left on my contract, I thought it prudent to renegotiate an extension at Chelsea just in case some really large club decides to try and buy me in a year’s time based on this single game. I don’t want to play games with Blues fans in 365 days time, and I don’t want to tempt myself either. Just as Ulysses tied himself to a mast before hearing the sirens’ call, I wanted to lock in my time with Chelsea before other big clubs realize my enormous talent and value.

Mr. Vile Boa Constrictor, the master of condescending and dismissive shoo-aways, just smirked and said he’d talk to Roman and the Sporting Director. Yet I haven’t received a text since. I’m really worried some big club scout will have seen my winning PK and make me a huge offer in 56 weeks, but I guess I’m the only prudent one rowing on this ship. Sigh.

DECEMBER 17, 2011

I’m really trying to change and be a better person and player. I had a dream where I cut off all of Mr. Vile Boa Constrictor’s body parts and fed them to my pet snake, Valdemorkandmindy. It was then that I realized I had a problem: a hate problem. I read up on it, talked to a shrink, and am now trying to embrace and respect the manager. Less hate. Less hate-filled dreams. More deep breaths. Some light yoga. And lots of pringles. In that regard, I am embracing Mr. Manager and my new role at Chelsea. I am a chameleon, and alternate between a starter, a super sub, awesome benchwarmer, and fantastic watcher-from-stands-or-tv-in-living-room.

I psychologically prepared myself to sit for 90 minutes, as opposed to walking for 90 minutes, and then life tossed me a curve. Against Wigan, I got the start! I also played a key role in our single goal that gave us the lead! Indirectly, at least. I cleverly and intentionally left the field to get treatment for a mouth injury (WINK WINK). Half the Wigan players stared at me, recognizing that even from a touchline I can cause havoc with the flex of a single forearm. The other players foolishly let their guard down, assuming Chelsea’s impotence in my absence.

Sure enough, Danny took advantage of the half-distracted and half-conceited defense to perfection and scored a goal. I don’t want to take all the credit, but even my absence is a positive for Chelsea. Some days, you walk on waters I swear! Granted, our defense caved and let in a late equalizer, but the important thing is I started. And was influential.

COMMENT ADDED BY FRANK ON DECEMBER 18, 2011

I am ever so upset. Right after the game, we joked around in the locker room and gave Danny a bit of a ribbing. JT called him a “talented black cunt,” and I stepped in and said to JT “JT, you really need to expand your vocab. What will the police say?” He just paused, then smiled, and called Danny “A gifted footballing black cunt. An exceptional black cunt.”

I was about to give JT my two cents when that meany Kalou stepped in. He asked me what I was going to do about it, and I told him I was going to tell JT’s parents about his potty-mouth. Kalou then, to my horror, pulled you out of his Nike gear bag and tossed you to David Luzer. Kalou asked me if my Sailor Boy costume would save me, and I said I didn’t know because it was an outfit, not a costume. Kalou called me a sissy and I tried not to cry and I don’t remember crying but I may have cried a little bit. And a lot afterwards.

At least David Luzer gave me you back and didn’t speak enough English to understand most of what people said, aside from JT and the “black cunt” stuff. I fear I shouldn’t leave you around the locker room anymore. In fact, I am writing in you right now while I sit in the locker room, and Didier is giving me odd looks.

JANUARY 2, 2012

I am ever so exuberant! Call me the Captain of the SS Happiness! Today I started against Wolves, played the full 90, and scored the game-winning goal off an Ashley Cole cross! Obviously, given my recent run of form against top quality opposition like Wolves, I am 100% sure that Mr. Manager will start me for equally important matches in the Champions League and whatnot. It just goes to show you about that old saying – it’s better to have worn a sailor outfit as a teenager and then signed and played for Chelsea, then never to have worn a sailor outfit as a teenager nor played for Chelsea. I of course rang my mum to tell her about the goal and emailed her a link to it on Dailymotion.

JANUARY 14 2012

I have been told of emoticons. They are combined images from my keyboard that form faces on the computer to reflect emotions. This one, , means happy. I make it with : plus – plus ). And I am very happy, err, , today. Why? Well, I started and scored another goal in a super important game vs. Sunderland! I feel sorry for Torres that he can’t direct a simple bicycle kick on frame, but nobody can deny my raccoon-near-trashcan-at-night instincts. The defense even kept a clean sheet, we won, and nobody called anybody a black cunt!

NOTE ADDED BY FRANK ON JANUARY 15, 2012

I forgot to mention the other great news – Kalouey is off in Africa for some games blah blah and nowhere near Chelsea. In fact, I can write in you at the locker room, in the ice bath, and even in the shower if I’m careful enough! I hope those games in Africa last forever and then we don’t re-sign Kalou. I’m so joyous that I could wriggle into my sailor boy outfit and waltz all by myself all night, but that wouldn’t be fair to mum.

JANUARY 21, 2012

So, the last week has been a major buzz. Yes, I can confirm that MLS Champion and Megaclub the LA Galaxy have expressed an interest in me JUST AS I PREDICTED. I tried to warn Chelsea to sign me a month ago, but no, they had none of it. I’ve talked a bit with Becks, and he says the MLS is topflight and regularly pays the coach airfare for 18 hour flights to Southeast Asia for friendlies immediately after the end of the season. Here in Europe, we normally take  a break after the end of the season, but not those hardworking Americans! I was ever so impressed.

Still, am I ready to just discard my Chelsea Blue and don my Sailor Boy Outfit while hopping around the glitzy streets of LA? Truth be told, it is tempting. However, from a sporting perspective, I still feel I have much to give. In case you hadn’t noticed, I’ve scored goals in some pretty important games against Sunderland and Wolves. I still feel that Chelsea need me, even if I also feel hurt at times.

Against Norwich City, I once again pulled off my famous “injured to distract other team” tactic, the same one that led to a goal by Danny vs. Wigan. Still, while I distracted Norwich, I also took the wind out of Chelsea’s sails. After I left, we looked rudderless, deflated, defeated. I’ve always believed that only the rats flee the sinking ship – the Sailor Boy stays until all else have reached safety. But I increasingly feel Mr. Manager pushing me into a lifetime and telling me to row.

So, will I hop the pond and don my Sailor Boy outfit on Manhattan Beach? Only time will tell. But my heart still beats Chelsea Blue blood.

Digital Image Impression: the wildly talented Erik Ebeling.

Get the best of Futfanatico 2011 for only a buck here.

Christmas time fast approaches. Slowly, the universe disconnects from the web. We sip eggnog. We talk with family members. We exchange gifts. Co-workers get embarrassingly drunk at holiday parties. Dormant hands get grabby. Title VII lawsuits get filed soon thereafter. But before you sign that release of claim waiver and confidentiality agreement, enjoy these footy links:

Remember when FIFA said they were going to release documents on December 17th and we got all excited? Well, there is no Santa Clause. Nor financial transparency. Just unkept promises. The release has been delayed due to “legal privacy concerns.” And the Qatar bid will not be re-evaluated. On the plus side, Sepp has now gone almost an entire week without uttering a racist or sexist or homophobic remark. He must have had dental surgery.

Over at the Classical, James T of Unprofessional Foul has a nice look at the evolution of the German National Team. More Turkish. More Tunisian. More flair. Less headers. (Classical)

Vaclav Havel, Czech President and pro-democracy activist, has passed away. One of his great theories was that informal associations were key to combating dictatorships. This makes perfect sense, as dictatorships rely on fear, distrust, and pitting private citizens against one another. Read one of his essays at (Slate) Now, apply it to soccer in Egypt. Ultras, groups of militant soccer fans, were essential to taking down the former President and are now confronting the military. (TWMS)

For some lighthearted fun, Brooks toyed with photoshop and removed the green complexion of Harry Redknapp. He looks horrid, but has definitely turned into a Grinch. His tax woes have left him a joykill, and he doesn’t want his players to enjoy xmas. (Dirty Tackle).

In other news, the long awaited Pitch Invasion book has been released. You can get the eBook edition for $5.99 or the print version for $11.99. I highly recommend this book, although the nostalgia factor is a bit high for us old-timers.

Have you ever wondered how Andres Villas-Boas got to where he is? Or where he may end up? Me neither. Yet the folks at SF spin comic gold out of these topics in a flowchart. (SurrealFootball)

Barcelona beat up on Santos in the Club World Cup, and Neymar received some criticisms back in Brazil. Deportes Mais ran a clever “Missing Child” pic of him on their cover. (Unprofessional Foul)

Lastly, Darren Bent went Christmas shopping this past weekend. THE MONSTER! Yet as the only human being who goes shopping on the second-to-last Saturday before Christmas, he received ire. And, to be fair, he also kinda skipped out on watching his own team Aston Villa play. Granted, he was injured. However, you’d expect some emotional investment in his own team. Right? Wrong. He actually has an airtight defense. (The DA)

I wrote a thoughtful piece at the Run of Play on linguistic differences between Spanish and English. Since then, the FA has banned Luis Suarez for 8 games based on allegations that he made racist remarks. I don’t care to get into the mucky and murky waters of administrative proceedings. Rather, I want to focus on Liverpool’s official statement in response. Why? Well, because unlike other snobby bloggers, I can see the logic. The calculation is simple, yet makes perfect sense.

And now we must take this logic to its rightful conclusion.

First, the opening argument is weak. Basically, it mixes circumstantial evidence and character defense. Scousers claim that Suarez has a black grandpa and therefore cannot be racist. In sum, blacks can’t be racist. This is preposterous. Prejudices lurk deep inside all of us. Once prominent African American activist Jesse Jackson said that his greatest shame was hearing youth behind him in a dark alleyway, turning around, and being relieved to see they were white. We can all be prejudiced against our own race. But the debate doesn’t end there.

Second, and more subtly, there exists an ingenious & unassailable formula of an argument. Liverpool pointed out that Suarez had black teammates and black friends. Concisely put, the equation appears to be Luis Suarez + black friends = not racist = did not make racist remark. However, Liverpool argued that the word “negro” was not racist in Spanish-speaking countries. Thus, they admitted to him using that word. The equation is more nuanced.

Therefore, the actual formula is: Luis Suarez + black friend = okay to make racist remark. The underlying logic is that one cancels out the other. If you are nice to a black person one day, then that cancels out being racist the other. From a utilitarian perspective, this makes perfect sense. In fact, in cost/benefits analysis, this would make the world a much better place. I can dig this. In fact, I will now expound on this equation for the benefit of all humanity.

Let’s take a totally wild example. Let’s assume that John Terry, captain of England and upstanding human being, utters a racial epithet during a game. I know, I know, it’s preposterous but bear with me. So, JT makes a racist comment. BUT, what if JT invites Ashley Cole over to his house for dinner? What if JT invites Ashley Cole and Bosingwa and Drogba over to his house for dinner? From a global societal perspective, he has lowered the quality of life of one black person, the victim of the racial epithet, but also improved the lives of three other black people. Now imagine if every racist did this. Black people would have countless dinner invitations and be really happy. What a wonderful world it would be!

Just to clarify, I’m not saying that Suarez can just invite over Glenn Johnson to play XBox for 12 hours and all’s well. No no no. It must be somewhat sincere. Still, if society is ever to conquer racism, then we must accept the Liverpool formula and try to rehab the racists. We must oblige them to form superficial friendships and acquaintances so as to cancel out their deeply held racist thoughts and prejudices. If Suarez goes to the mall right now, this very minute, and meets and befriends two black guys, then I just may be able to forgive him. And isn’t that what stereotypical tokenism is all about?

Now, some cynics will say this logic is a “get out of jail free” card. They are wrong. You can’t go to jail for making a racist remark in a soccer game. You just get suspended and fined. Case closed!

Players are people. If you prick them, they bleed. Despite a professional existence that involves getting kicked, not all are invincible shoulder-goal-popping memes. They have feelings. If they sit on the bench for not scoring goals, then their confidence dips and they score less goals. It’s a brutal cycle. And it’s one in which Fernando Torres finds himself.

But there is hope. Thanks to my total lack of knowledge, education, and experience as neither a psychiatrist nor a coach, I have some ideas for El Nino. We can hopefully restore his confidence in a few simple steps.

First and foremost, honesty is always the best avenue. AVB needs to find some positive words of encouragement, but they can’t ring hollow. Players can smell insincerity a mile away. Thus, you can’t call Fernando “world class” anymore. You can’t even say “you’re the best striker at Chelsea.” However, you can say in a loud voice “Fernando, you are easily the most talented striker at Chelsea today….” and then say under your breath “…named Fernando Torres.”

Second, AVB needs to prioritize and also keep Nando in the loop. Above all, AVB has to put a positive spin on his decisions. For example, when Fernando warms the bench in a league game against a lowly team, AVB just needs to let him know that this team is way way below Fernando. Then, when Chelsea play a do-or-die Champions League encounter, AVB needs to let Nando know that the game is still below him. In fact, all games aside from the Champions League final will be below him for the foreseeable future. And if they reach the final, it will be below him. Only the historically important Carling Cup is worthy of Torres. And even then, only for 30 minutes a game.

Third, AVB needs to help Torres get over his love affair with Spain. Right now, the whole “will I be selected or not” question is totally messing with his head. In part, it is understandable. Yes, la Furia Roja has won a World Cup and European Cup. Yes, Nando played for both of those teams and got some silverware. But answer me this – if Spain is so good, then how come they can’t take on any dead weight like Torres? If Spain was a bunch of super all-stars, they’d easily be able to compensate for his recent misfiring ways. But they aren’t that good. And there’s no shame in Fernando realizing that the team is not good enough to call him up because the players are simply not talented enough to compensate for his poor form.

Fourth, and importantly, Fernando needs to know that Chelsea cares. This also deals with how the message is delivered. Torres needs to know that he’s loved and cherished. Every time he rides the pine or doesn’t dress for a game, he needs to know that the Blues have his long-term interest at heart – after all, if he plays a game, he could get injured at any minute. ANY MINUTE. And that’s a risk they just can’t afford to take with Mr. Important Player.

Fifth, and lastly, Torres needs to feel like a million bucks. This will require some PR magic and a bit of sleight of hand. First, the Blues should circulate a rumor that they are willing to sell him for half his price last winter: $31 million dollars. Then, when he confronts the manager or the owner about the rumors, they can feign ignorance. They can drop their jaws and state “Fernando, that is such a preposterous thing! We would never sell you for that…..but, did you or your agent hear anything from other clubs?”

Elliott’s eBook “An Illustrated Guide to Soccer & Spanish” is available on the Kindle for only $5.99. Check out a free preview here.

For the last decade, the greatest benefit to being a Manchester United fan has been the license to perpetually wear a smug grin of satisfaction. Liverpool only qualified for the UEFA league again? Poor King Kenny. At least Andy Carroll has curbed his drinking problem and keeps the bench nice & warm during winter. Arsenal struggling to start the season? Well, at least they’ll get a cash injection from Barcelona in the transfer window. Lately, though, the tides have turned.

I don’t care to talk about tactics. Or signings. Or injuries. Or luck. United crashing out of the Champions League at the group stages raised my eyebrows, but did not alter the Earth’s orbit. For the last few years, since the Ronaldo-Tevez-Rooney trident split up, Sir Alex has patched together a quilt of a team from uneven scraps of cloth. Like a baby-boomer refinancing a mortgage, SAF always found family jewelry in the attic to auction and get an iPad. Until now. I love the current players, but even I find myself going elevator-eyes when City’s roster flickers on screen. But we couldn’t finance the purchase of an ottoman with our credit score.

So, for the first time in years, I actually rooted for Chelsea in a game. The match reminded me of the NBA lockout, where behind closed doors billionaire owners from small Midwestern cities fought with multi-billionaire owners from the big coastal metropolises. I wanted both to lose, but knew that wasn’t possible. No matter how many times I rubbed the lamp, City and Chelsea were not going to kiss, hold hands, and jump off a cliff like scorned lovers. I needed mini-Goliath to beat Goliath. A draw would help, but not much.

During the World Cup, lots of neutrals watch games to keep tabs on groups, advancement possibilities, and to see some good teams. This was not one of those “general interest” viewings. I have occasionally engaged in Schadenfraude (especially when Arsenal is up by a single goal to a Stoke City-esque side), but normally keep my eyes to my own team(s). This was kinda Schadenfraude, but not entirely. Watching City-Chelsea was without a doubt a new experience – after years of holding destiny in our hands, I sat helpless as lady fate swung her pendulum to-and-fro. It was…an uneasy feeling. Like a tattoo parlor that is not open Friday or Saturday nights, something was very amiss.

So, yes, I am kinda embarrassed to be in the Europa League. However, as an optimist, at least we don’t climb the mountain to lose the hill-race. If, heaven forbid, we were to catch up with Liverpool in Champions League victories just to fall behind in Europa League crowns, then we’d still be at the same destination. Right? RIGHT? Still, United fans have very sore necks. We can no longer look down, and the grin has turned into a smirk.

We will become Gunners fans for a week, but secretly pray that this is the last weekend where we need to keep tabs on other teams.

In other parts…

The False 9 had a pretty cool Venn diagram, even if the Matrix reference is not entirely right. Check it out here.

For those of you who love streams of games, the well may soon run dry. The US Congress is considering a law that will give large corporations the tools to shake down ISPS and domain registrars, all in an effort to prevent you from seeing content streamed by RoniTV. I’ve written about RojaDirecta‘s legal battles before and you know whose side I’m on. A Football Report details all the pitfalls of the “SOPA” law here.

Elliott’s soccer eBook “An Illustrated Guide to Soccer & Spanish” is available on the Nook for only $5.99. Check it out here.

The internet is a scary place. You never know what lurks just around the next corner. One click and, bam, you get rick-rolled or spammed some life insurance. Still – with the proper guidance, you can find some marvelous sites. Here are a few of them….

The first two sites are admittedly not sport-specific. They are still excellent. Openculture has movies, TV shows, and books with a very tempting price tag: free. Yes, it is basically an online library with none of the hassle of filling out a membership card. You check out what you want. You enjoy it. That is all. The film section is fantastic and here’s a recently unearthed TCM clip contrasting Kubrick with Spielberg. You can follow them on twitter.

Brainpickings is also pretty amazing. The curator for the site scours the web for cool and creative collaborations. It has existed for 6 years, yet remains gloriously ad-free. A recent post does a great job of summarizing a recent Robert Levine book about balancing the nature of creativity with SEO churnalist sites that steal original content without giving credit. You can follow them on twitter here.

In the soccersphere, I encourage you to open you ears and give a relatively new soccerpod The Best Soccer Show a listen. The hosts, Jason Davis and Jared DuBois, offer lively and insightful takes on the news of the day and they regularly get A list guests, like me. And John Harkes. You can follow the show on twitter.

Soon to arrive sports website The Classical has some tasty preview articles. Be sure to subscribe to their RSS feed here and follow them on twitter here. Launch is scheduled for December. Stale chips be damned!

Also, we were sad to hear about the passing of Gary Speed this past Sunday. The Telegraph had a nice tribute section for him, albeit the section was originally poorly misnamed a “liveblog.” Ian of the excellent 200% had an insightful article on the perils of depression, including our collective failure as a society to recognize its symptoms or take it seriously. In Bed with Maradona had a nice post on Mr. Speed, as did FourFourTwo.

We also have a “Best of” eBook anthology for 2011 that is available on the Kindle for only a buck. Basically, I’ve selected my ten favorite soccer writings from around the web and put them in one nice place. My altruistic, artistic, and capitalist motives are more fully explained in the brief intro. Purchase here.

The Frank Lampard Appreciation Society proudly presents yet another chapter in the unedited, uncut version a of Frank Lampard’s diary from this season. Read at your own risk. Warning – this content may not be suitable for mature adults.

NOVEMBER 1, 2011

Genk. The word will forever haunt my nightmares. It seems like just yesterday JT was missing penalty kicks in finals and I was hugging him and reminding him that there would always be a tomorrow. That tomorrow is today. And I can look back at a long line of unhappy yesterdays. We tied Genk in the Champions League. And I didn’t start.

The manager continues to play tricks with my mind, what with the not starting me every game and not playing me every minute. In this game, Ramires scored an early goal, just as I told him to before the match, but then tragedy struck. We won a penalty kick, but our designated penalty kick taker was not on the field. Me. I did shout from the bench for David Luiz to take it, but I specifically instructed him to score. He did not. Then Genk scored. And then, surprise surprise, Mr. Gofer, our “manager,” subbed me in. Super Frank to the rescue. All I needed was a cape!

But even Super Frank needs more than a half hour to create magic. You can’t just grab David Copperfield out of a bus, hand him a hat and wand, and expect him to make the Statute of Liberty instantly disappear. That young Sturridge chap did well, though, and sent me a decent cross. However, he sent me a cross to my feet, not to my head as instructed. If he can just improve that and place a ball on my noggin, I harbor the hope we can turn things around. Assuming I start matches, that is.

COMMENT ADDED BY FRANK ON NOVEMBER 2, 2011

I am ever so upset. On the charter back from the Genk game, I wrote a nice note to Sturridge to compliment his performance, especially the part about passing the ball to me. I sat at the front of the charter, so I passed the note backwards in the hopes it would reach Sturridge at the back. And guess who intercepted it – KALOU. He grabbed it and opened it and read it to everybody. He even imitated my voice and sang “Danny & Frankie sitting in a tree.” I was so angry and also so embarrassed and so sad. Doesn’t he realize that people write and pass notes because they want to say something in private? I really hope we don’t re-sign him at the end of the year. He upsets team chemistry. And me.

NOVEMBER 5, 2011

I am ever so elated! I haven’t much to say because I normally only write in you when things go poorly, but today was marvelous. I started the game, played 90 minutes, and scored the winning goal! I vividly recall the moment. Ivanovic sent me a pass which made me happy, but then I realized the pass would be too low and miss my head, the fool! Instinctively, I closed my eyes, attempted to re-enter the womb, curled into the fetal position, tripped over my own shoes, and headed the ball into the net. It was glorious. I just hope Manager Gopher saw it and learned his lesson.

NOVEMBER 12, 2011

The good times keep rolling and I feel like nothing can stop me, not even Mr. Manager Gopher buzzkill. Well, you can’t stop true genius – you can only hope to not-start it. Or un-start it. Regardless, I am elated yet again! I captained England and we beat Spain! Scott Parker was man of the match, but many journalists overlooked a simple fact – he was only running to where I was pointing. Regardless, I also scored the goal, once again using my patented “no movement /ball bounces invitingly to forehead” approach. I am so so happy! Nothing could go wrong!

COMMENT ADDED BY FRANK ON NOVEMBER 22, 2011

I’m sorry if you think that I’ve been avoiding you, but I’m really really sad. I’ve been too depressed to even pick up a pen. I was scoring goals and starting and the world was wonderful, but then the carpet got yanked form under my feet. We lost to Liverpool at home. I didn’t score a goal and my teammates didn’t give me good passes. It was miserable. Glen Johnson scored a late winner and I sprinted over to John Terry to tell him to not call Glen a black cunt. JT agreed, but asked if he could call him a brown cunt. I don’t think JT quite gets the point at times.

Sometimes I feel like all I have is you. And it breaks my heart.

NOVEMBER 23, 2011

Guten morgen! Even though my team’s season is in a tailspin, I am ever so happy. Why? Well, today I get to see my old friend, Michael, from Germany. We still talk from time-to-time by telephone about the good old days, back when we could stand in front of Essien, walk around, take speculative shots from distance, and occasionally head corner kicks. Michael is liking Germany and even sent me some lederhosen. He said that lots of teams in the bundesliga would love to sign me, and that in Germany, my first name would be “Fran”, not “Frank.” I am not making that last part up!

COMMENT ADDED BY FRANK ON NOVEMBER 24, 2011

I am sad. It was great to see Michael again, but we lost to his team, Barnyard Leavercusack, on another last second goal. The worst part is that I specifically told each defender not to give up a goal in the last ten minutes of the game! And what did they do? Yep. I also tried on the lederhosen, took a pic, and put it on my Google Plus profile for a spell as a joke. And guess who printed out a picture and taped it all over the locker room? KALOU. I hate him.

Worst yet, management got wind and I had to meet with the coach and GM. I had to profess my “commitment” to Chelsea, but nobody had to commit to me. I’ve really started to lose patience with Mr. Gopher Manager. I tried to talk tactics and drew a chalkboard of our team with lots of arrows pointing to my forehead and me standing near goal, but it was lost on him. Simpleton. I actually miss Avram Grant. And Gus Hiddink. And Carlos.

NOVEMBER 27, 2011

The downward spiral continues. I didn’t start yesterday and the manager told me the night before. I slept with the window open and a cold chill awoke me around 3am. I closed the window. I put on an extra layer of sailor pajamas. I got out a second comforter from the closet. I still felt a cold chill. I put on the lederhosen my friend Michael had sent me, but nothing worked. I lay awake, freezing. The day of the game, the team won 3-0, but I only played the last 20 minutes. In that time, I walked, I pointed, and I panted, but I felt the world spinning around me. I was lost in my own jersey, in my own stadium, and playing in the stadium I’ve called home for a decade.

I really hope I get an iPad 2 for Christmas to cheer me up. And a Bentley.

Digital image impression by Erik Ebeling. Check out his other artwork at ErikEbelingArt.com. He also did the excellent illustrations for our soccer eBook “An Illustrated Guide to Soccer & Spanish.”

Don’t you just hate those arrogant, talented, supremely handsome Americans? Me too. Well, this American had the pleasure of writing for and speaking with some friends from across the Atlantic, and the results were marvelous. At least in my humble imperialist American opinion.

First, I penned a piece for the excellent 200 percent. My topic? The endless carousel of 4th division “professional” soccer teams in South Texas. Corruption. Graft. Mirages. Unpaid wages. When the franchise system and poverty collide, the results are catastrophic. Enjoy it here, assuming you enjoy the macabre.

Second, I have an article forthcoming for the nascent Spiel magazine, a Liverpool-based football & lifestyle magazine. You can check out a PDF of the Preview Issue here. You gotta pay for the issue with my article though (which is due out in two weeks). My article’s topic? The lingering mirage of rugged individualism that we foolishly use to characterize Ronald Reagan’s Presidency & Hugo Sanchez’s playing career at Real Madrid. It is so 80′s it hurts and, if you are a guy, while reading it your shoulders will swell in size and your hair will grow curly and long.

Lastly, and slightly more stateside, I had fun with DC-based Mirit and UK ex-pat James Tyler at Nutmegradio. We got our podcast on and I answered some very personal questions, like if I prefer Fakefutfanatico to Fakerfutfanatico. Listen here, if you dare.

Remember that time I wrote that post which was neither funny nor insightful and wasted your time? Well, I’ve found an easy solution for both you, the reader, and me, the writer. Links!

Kaka conducts the greatest Q & A session in the history of soccer (Dirty Tackle)

Iranian football has its own regional rivalries. Don’t you just detest those snobs from Tehran? (In Bed with Maradona)

Is it legal for the English FA to criminalize third party ownership of players’ playing rights? (Footy Blog)

Also, in terms of footy finance, a bank in Dubai has set up a soccer-related Hedge Fund. I hear they are betting heavily on Carlos Tevez being moody and Roberto Mancini overreacting. The no-apology odds are 2:1. (TWMES)

Two weeks ago, a select few shared some very nice Peel-good moments (Sport is a TV Show)

Manchester City should be wary of past quick starters who faded near the end of the EPL (ESPN)

Time to point and laugh. Chelsea’s dreams of a move away from Stamford Bridge were shot down despite heavy lobbying (200%)

On the field, the Blues have been attempting new pressing-tactics as implemented by Villas-Boas (Zonal Marking) However, to press you have to push up the back line, and Arsenal feasted on the positionally challenged outside backs and lead-footed Terry (Zonal Marking)

English soccer is posed to borrow a page from the NFL and adopt the “Rooney Rule” – a rule designed to give minority candidates a fair shake in hiring decisions (Soccer Politics)

I also reflected upon race and discourse – daring to ask if how we speak about race really reflects a complex reality (Run of Play)

In marketing news, the NY Cosmos marketing team decided a few weeks ago to fire their current CEO. Nobody knows exactly what he was doing, but he probably diluted the Cosmos brand just by “existing” and actually thinking they may want to have a “team.” (Unprofessional Foul)

Mario Balotelli is waving a tsunami of confidence – to the point that he is openly flaunting the FIFA snood ban and wears a custom Super Mario snood at training (WAATP)

Nutmeg Radio penned a beautiful Arsenal-Arsene lament which dares to ask – what happens when the world keeps spinning yet your philosopher king keeps his feet firmly planted in place? (Run of Play)

Not all is well in South Africa. Local poor were forcibly relocated to shack towns to make way for World Cup tourists. The World Cup came and went. But the poor? (KCKRS)

AC Milan has gone from the Christmas Tree formation of Carlos to the Pine Cones of Allegri. (Catch-22)

Berbatov has gotten a run of games with United, but there’s one problem – it’s put in jeopardy his unemployment compensation application. (Fisted Away)

Elliott’s soccer eBook, An Illustrated Guide to Soccer & Spanish, is available for only $5.99 on the Kindle, Nook, and at Goodreads. Check out a free preview here.