Manchester City beat Manchester United at Old Trafford by 6-1. The win was deserved, even if a late deluge of goals made the scoreline slightly more embarrassing than warranted. Still, bloodbaths of this magnitude tend to fray the senses, melt the mind, and sportswriters revert to a Neanderthal mental state. Here is what they will have written Monday morning.
SUPER MARIO OVERCOMES ADVERSITY OF BEING HIMSELF. Don’t let the final score fool you. This was a close game that was cut open by the sheer will and talent of Mario Balotelli. He scored the first goal off a brilliant far post finish, he earned the free kick and red card of Johnny Evans, and he scored a nice second goal with a well timed far post run. If you thought he set off fireworks the night before the match, he saved the real Roman candles-bottle rockets-black cats-insert firework brandname-for the game! And he had the tact to not play a single game of Angry Birds on his iPad after getting subbed off. The sky is the limit.
UNITED MOURN RETIREMENT OF VETERAN DEFENDER GARY NEVILLE. If ever United had to win a game by sheer willpower as opposed to natural God-given talent, then it was today. Several of United’s players received yellow cards for late tackles and Johnny Evans saw red early in the second half. In sum, United needed Gary Neville on the field. The all-terrain terrier’s spark and ability to avoid cards by sheer ugliness (refs hate to have to face him so close) was sorely lacked. Against a lineup featuring the silky David Silva and explosive Sergio Aguero, United needed more grit than grace. The Medusa of Manchester United was sorely missed and has no natural replacement, assuming the current crop of United players avoid pouring acid on their face.
NOT HARSH RED CARD DOESN’T DETERMINE DERBY’S OUTCOME. It is a red card offense for the last defender to take down an opposing forward and negate a goalscoring chance. The TV replays clearly showed that Johnny Evans was the last defender and grabbed Balotelli’s arms with both hands, tossing him to the ground. But sometimes referees must be judges and exercise discretion. If any player deserves pity and a second chance, it’s Johnny Evans. He will forever be known to United fans as “that center back who is not Pique.” Surely the ref could have looked the other way or something.
FERGIE TIME LEADS TO BREATHTAKING CITY COMEBACK FROM IN FRONT. Up by only 3 goals to 1 with a few minutes left on the clock, everybody in Old Trafford held their breath and prayed for a miracle. And a miracle occurred. Manchester City, playing up a man for half an hour and noticeably fatigued or bored, found one last heroic burst of energy to heroically come from ahead to score three more goals. Eden Dzeko’s first goal, a brilliant Pippo Inzaghi-inspired knee deflection from two yards, brought the crowd to their feet as they quickly filtered out of Old Trafford, their heads held low.
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