I will keep this short and sweet in the interest of time. FIRST and foremost, Xavi’s hair will look like an iguana. No, I don’t refer to that pet iguana you had in grade school that eventually died because you forgot to plug in the hot rock. No, I refer to some sort of wickedly cool animated iguana who wears a Hawaiian t-shirt, travels by skateboard, constantly gives the thumbs up, and endorses a variety of delicious fruit-tasting snacks which contain little to no fruit.
SECOND and also quite importantly, Dani Alves and Sergio Busquets will continue their perpetual audition for the Catalan tumbling team. Somewhere in the stands at the Nou Camp, a man in a trench coat and with a mischievously large mustache will write on a small notepad numerical scores for their respective tumbles. At the end of the night, only one of them will be selected for this elite honor. And the other will be heartbroken.
THIRD and also kinda important, Mourinho and Pep Guardiola will fool you into thinking that they shake hands. However, in reality, their hands will get super super close but not actually touch. It will be more of a close-to-touching-hand-vibration with more wobbling than actual shaking. Mourinho may also wear a special hand colored glove just to be safe.
FOURTH and kinda depressing, Alexis Sanchez will like, toddle around a lot and be nondescript for large spells of the game. You will forget he’s on the field. Then, out of the blue, he will break Madrid fan’s hearts. If you are near a Real fan, they will ask in shock and disgust – “where did little dude come from?” And Barca fans will smirk, saying “Udinese.” And the Real fan will reply “I am not being nosy. You da nosy!” Then pout for the remaining 80 minutes.
FIFTH and obvious for all to see, Xabi Alonso and Sami Khedira will go WWF on Andres Iniesta, regularly taking down the little spinning Spaniard. If there is a folding chair near the sideline, watch out. The mayhem will continue until Javier Mascherano snaps into a Slim Jim and takes out Xabi from behind with a double studs up tackle.
SIXTH and most likely to be forgotten, you will confuse Pedro for that other dude who looks like Pedro but is not Pedro.
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I lahv this and you (yes I do) but call it “the Nou Camp” again and I will be forced to write you an angry, soul-destorying e-mail.
ASDFG – glad you picked up on my subtle Catalan error done on purpose to boil your blood! Expect many more. And no t’estimerrrrrrr