The Clasico, The Culebras, The Chele Chulo

In life, sometimes the currents take us to blissful destinations. We sit back in the boat, stretch out our legs, and let the tide do the work while we count turtles and take in the sun. But what happens when the clouds gather? When our arms, weak from non-use, must suddenly row faster, harder?

Real Madrid under Mourinho appears incapable of setting a foot wrong. The 4-0 victory at Ajax with a nominal B-team displayed the ruthless and coordination we expect and under-appreciate from a Mou side. Pellegrini set regular season records in his first year. But the Portuguese is on track to best them. So against Barcelona, will Carvahlo look slow? Will Pepe appear reckless? Will Higuain disappear? Will Ronald get muscled off the ball? The coast is anything but clear. The moment of quasi-reckoning close at hand.

More importantly, Junito turns four years old today. For over a year, I have shared his progression from a toddler into a ferocious striker who will stop at nothing to score goals, evening biting his older sister. But, despite his prodigious talent and amusing goal celebrations, two things concern me. First, how will my four year old son handle the pressures, temptations, and distractions of the footballer wag-riches lifestyle? How will we his family respond?

For his cumpleanos today, he adamantly insisted on two pinatas. And I naturally became enraged.

The family estate can easily handle one pinata without breaking the bank. In fact, such has been the tradition for quite some time. But early success can fuel a big head. And I viewed Junito’s double request as a star striker asking for the weekend off to go to Scotland or Argentina – wholly unacceptable.

To make matters worse, Junito insisted that his pinata be from the animated film “Cars.” While my mother assures me that all young boys love playing with pint-sized cars, the images of George Best pre-precipitous decline flashed about my head. Was I raising a micro-machine set on eventual self-destruction? How could I delicately let the air out of Junito’s little hot wheels?

Then came the second problem, the culebras. For those unfamiliar, cule is the term for a fan of Barcelona and culebra is the Central American term for a snake. They are synonymous on this website. And they are everywhere in real life. One of the neighbor girls sings and sings about Barcelona. And even worse, my wife is a big fan of Leo “Hijo del Diablo” Messi. We compromised on an Argentina kit for her, but Junito knows her preferences.

Of course, I have played a hand in this confusion. My men’s league team voted on new jerseys while I was away, and selected….you guessed it…Barcelona’s horrendous green jersey. I’d rather kick about wearing Sergio Ramos’ green jeans, but I didn’t put my foot down firm and immediately quit the team. So every Saturday, after a week of watching Hugol Sanchez video highlights, Junito sees his papy donning the kit of the enemy.

One compromise leads to another, until you’ve slid all the way down to the mountain’s base. Even worse, the tinge of moral relativism has reared its ugly head. I wrote a piece on Barcelona’s troubled finances. I never worry about Madrid’s spreadsheet because, to me, Madrid occupies a cartoonish world beyond the reality of dollars and cents. Does the Joker shop for deals on arsenic when planning to destroy Gotham? Preposterous! But Barcelona’s strain, and the amount of keyword interest, provoked an odd reaction. Not quite empathy, but…but….did I feel something for my sworn enemy?

So I put my foot down. I said only one pinata. The world is a simple one of black and white – Real Madrid is king, Barcelona is evil, and young Hispanic toddlers shall not have more than one pinata. But I was quickly proven wrong.

Junito, it seems, did not want the second pinata in a narcissistic display of self-aggrandizement. Rather, he wanted a pinata for his older sister, Angie, so that she would not feel left out. Ashamed that I had projected my own lingering juvenile perceptions upon my sweet young boy, I immediately caved. After all, when Junito’s making bank in four years time, why not share the wealth among the family?

As long as Barcelona is not cutting the bouncing paychecks….

“Barca’s supporter-ocracy is a ruse to evade taxes.Trust me, m’ijo...”

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