So, in the spirit of WAATP shit look-a-likes, I stumbled upon a delightful feature film which I think sets the course for Jose Mourinho’s coaching career at Real Madrid. That film? Stanley Kubrick’s “The Shining.” So grab a bag of fresh popcorn, tuck your kiddos safely into bed, and get ready to be terribly amazed.
The Interview….
Jose Mourinho had not even finished coaching Inter when he stuck his foot in the door at Real Madrid. Pellegrini Schmellegrini! The offer was too enticing for Perez to turn up, as Mourinho explained “You need a defensive minded & disciplined coach to lead Madrid to a domestic title and thus add credibility to your project. And Fabio Capello is not available.” However, Mourinho’s own confidence blinded him, failing to see the cracks that could never be fully papered over.
The Arrival…
Mourinho’s arrival led to the transfers of Guti & Raul, aging icons from the last Galactico’s era. Despite this gesture, doubts remained. Kaka would play a key role in….being injured for yet another season. Luckily, Van der Vaart is coming off a confidence building substitute appearance in the World Cup final, in which he managed to both fail to clear Torres’ cross and also keep Iniesta onside for the winning goal. All while wearing the captain’s armband. Wait a second….BAH! No time for such details.
Ominous Signs…
Jose Mourinho will sacrifice the King’s Cup competition to prioritize the Champions League and La Liga. Madrid will flame out before the final, but Mourinho will point to the progress as compared to last year. Nobody will listen. Everybody will only point to even further back, when Madrid last won the King’s Cup (1993). The questions & taunts of the press will reverberate throughout the Bernabeu, disrupting his sleep.
The First Encounter…
Mourinho will succeed where Pellegrini failed – delivering Madrid the needed La Liga trophy. While Jose’s Madrid will win by 1-0 margins as compared to the 4-2 attacking affairs of Manuel, Barcelona will get hit by the injury bug and a dose of inconsistency. Pep’s “Coldplay songs” will start to fall on deaf ears. Jose will celebrate the La Liga trophy as if it were his last.
The Madness Begins…
In European play, Jose will quickly realize he lacks a target forward akin to Drogba or Milito. More disturbingly, he will begin to obsess over the left back position. Arbeloa? Marcelo? Arbecelo? Marbeloa? Marbaarbeceloloa? Arbelarcemarcybalboa? All defense and viewing video of opposition make Mourinho…something something. All defense and viewing video of opposition make Mourinho…something something. Where’s my hatchet?
Consumed by Insanity…
The ghosts of past greats will haunt Mourinho. Despite winning La Liga and semi-respectable Champions League run, the rumors will swirl that Perez will axe the Portuguese at season’s end. Jose, affronted by the speculation, will chase Perez through the Bernabeu’s corridors, seeking words, comfort, and assurances. He will find none.
The End
Despite another silver pot in the trophy case, the critics that decry defensive football will win over Perez. The coach will thank Jose for his professionalism and then show him the door less than a week after winning La Liga. Out in the cold, Mourinho will briefly consider the eternally his Portugal manager job before instead deciding to do the honorable thing and freeze to death. Or he will become manager at City.
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