The tie against England, the stirring comeback against Slovenia, could the US world cup run get any more dramatic? In a word, yes. The Yanks brought an attacking verve to the clash with Algeria, but the ball simply refused to ripple the back of the net. Still, a combination of excellent fitness, quick thinking, and American willpower combined beautifully for a fantastic goal deep in injury time from none other than Landon Donovan. Yes, the Landon Donovan you hate. Eat your hearts out.
The US world cup hopes were minutes from extinction, just as the development of mammal life faced similar challenges in the late Cretaceous period. Still, the nimble, live-birth life forms eventually grew up to run the show, surpassing the aging and decaying Dinosaur species.
And now, now that my heart has partially re-entered the chest cavity, I give you your player grades.
The Massive Maotherium – Landon Donovan
Maotherium means “Mao’s beast,” and a beast it was. Granted, the maotherium was no wooly mammoth, but still, its tall and sharp molars made for easy eating. And their intricate ear structure allowed for extra sensitive hearing.
Landon Donovan heard the cries of despair, the seconds ticking off the clock, the window of opportunity slowly closing on the US’s World Cup dream. And, just like a late Cretaceous mammal with extra sensitive hearing, he scored a brilliant goal off a rebound. He was, simply a beast.
The Notorious Purgatorius – Jonathan Bornstein
Please resist the urge to think “Pur, Pur Pur – ga – tooooor- ius.” The Purgatorius was a small rodent-esque creature that weighed a few ounces and was a few inches tall. Despite this small stature, the Purgatorius had a special survival trick: burying shallow holes into the ground, presumably to avoid predators.
Jonathan Bornstein dug himself into a hole on the US depth chart, turning in indifferent performances and forcing Bradley to shift Carlos Bocanegra around. However, Bornstein burrowed out of his playing time purgatory and put in a solid defensive effort to silence his critics. While his distribution may be lacking at this level, on the other side of the ball he never got buried by an opposing winger.
The Combative Catopsalis – Clint Dempsey
The catopsalis was actually pretty big, by multituberculates standards. Granted, that’s a pretty low baseline. Still, for a multituberculates, the catopsalis definitely punched above its weight
Clint Dempsey is a similar rarity among US players – a success in Europe who has consistently excelled season after season. Still, for all his sparkling praise at Fulham, he has brought a similar combative attitude to the US national side. In this game, Deuce took on defenders with flair and panache. Only an errant offsides flag denied him a goal in the first half, and his late run & collision opened the door for Donovan’s rebound goal.
The Alpha Alphadon – Jozy Altidore
The Alphadon was gi-normous by Cretaceous mammal standards, growing up to 12 inches. The Alphadon, not afraid to throw around its weight in setpieces, was an omnivore that feasted on nuts, berries, and smaller vertebrae.
Jozy Altidore also enjoys a size advantage versus any human being not nicknamed “Shaq.” He also feasted on smaller defenders this game, earning free kick after free kick after free kick. While he did miss a glorious chance in front of the net, his work rate and willingness to dribble at defenders means I give him a high “marsupial comparison” grade. (The equivalent of a B plus for those of you keeping track).
The Vital Vincelestes – Tim Howard
The vinceleste was a very active and mobile therapsida in its heyday, roaming about South America without a care in the world. The key to such mobility was not so much strength of legs, but rather the shape of its teeth. The vinceleste had wicked cool back teeth, allowing it to both grind and cut food, an innovation at the time sortof like the Ipod but sans the annoying silhouette commercials.
Tim Howard has similarly enjoyed a globetrotting existence, playing for clubs in New York, Manchester, and recently Liverpool. However, the key to his success has been steady anticipation, not some “neat tooth” innovation. Tim was again a rock for the US team, keeping a clean sheet for the first time and also starting the play leading to Donovan’s goal with neat distribution.
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