US v. Slovenia – World Cup Player Ratings

The England game is firmly behind us. A fluke goal could not overshadow a creditable fightback and a respectable draw. Next on the agenda, though, was a deceptively dangerous game of the Eastern European variety. Last World Cup, the Czech Republic put the US to the sword in a matter of minutes.

The US played a first half to forget – despite a wicked Torres free kick, the US fell two goals behind and struggled to create chances. At halftime, Bradley made a double substitution – replacing the patient Torres with the tackling Edu, and the speedster Findley with the slick passing Feilhaber. Neither scored, but an improved second half performance saw two goals breathe life into the US campaign.

Only one theme could capture this two-faced performance. The dinoflagellate. The dinoflagellate? Yes. The dinoflagellate. I only hope using them as an extended metaphor for soccer writing will not anger them. But enough science talk hoss, let’s get to the grades…

Zooxanthela – Suit – Riot: Michael Bradley

Don’t let the threatening name fool you, the zooxanthela is a benevolent flagella in terms  of marine biodiversity. The zooxanthela forms a symbiotic relationship with coral reefs – the coral gives the zooxanthela shelter and nutrients, notably carbon dioxide. In response, the zooxanthela, via photosynthesis, provides the coral with boundless energy.

Bradley scored the crucial game-tying goal with a well timed run off Jozy Altidore’s flick-on. However, it’s the little aspects of his game that make the US a better team. His consistent and clean passing often arm the US attack, and he diligently covers the center of the park when on defense. Minutes after his equalizer, little Bradley covered for the gassed Donovan on the right hand side and neutralized a promising Slovenia build-up with sheer will and determination. Just like a zooxanthela.

The Knock on Noctilucales – Gooch

So, yeah, Noctilucales. I try to stay positive with all players on the site, wanting to lift a human that is down rather than kick him or her. However, out of eleven men playing a game for 90 minutes, invariably one plays worse than the rest. And dinoflagellate are no different. Noctilucales seems pretty cool, but then upon closer inspection you realize a major problem – its nucleus shows absolutely no dinokaryotic organization. Zilch. Nada.

Gooch has struggled to find his fitness, but the US back line looked a mess in the opening half. He also was the culprit for the second, backbreaking Slovenia goal right before the half, failing to step forward with his teammates. While his athletic prowess shines brightly in aerial battles, his coordination of a coherent off sides trap has yet to click.

The Spreading Ceratium – Landon Donovan

Now, I know that when you see the word “ceratium,” you immediately think “triangle with arms.” Yes, the ceratium does have a distinct shape and characteristics. But for once in your life, will you go beyond such shallow, superficial judgments? The ceratium is capable of living in both salt and freshwater environments – in fact, you can find this little bugger in just about any ocean in the world.

Landon Donovan covered every inch of grass on the right hand side of the pitch. For a player criticized for fading in and out of games, one minute he would cut out a cross in his own half, and the next minute he would be running at a defender. Donovan’s workrate almost got him a goal in the first half but for a desperation tackle at the far post. In the second half, he pounced on a defensive miscue, scampered 30 yards, and then blasted his shot over the timid keeper’s head. In the dying embers of the match you could see him panting and dogging it, but he could hardly be blamed for the 90 minute shift he had just put in. And his widow peak looks like a ceratium, but ever so slightly more masculine.

The Alarming Alexandrium – Jozy Altidore

Of course, I wouldn’t want to deceive you about dinoflagellate. No, these tiny entities are not all fun & games, they do not always form mutually productive symbiotic relationships with their environment. Nope. Some of them like to live on the edge, some of them are dangerous. The alexandrium is definitely not a dinoflagellate to take home to meet mom – this touch as nails dinoflagellate is toxic to both humans and other mammals.

Despite not scoring a goal for himself, Jozy was a constant menace in the attacking half. He used his size and speed to torment the Slovenian backline, winning several free kicks and even getting a few glimpses at goal. He earned the free kick in the 34th minute that led to Torres’ chance, and also assisted Bradley’s game-tying goal with a powerful header. In sum, Jozy was toxic to the Slovenian defense.

Tough Going Gonyaulax – Jay DeMerit

The Gonyaulax, like Alexzandrium, also lives on the wrong side of the dinoflagellate town. The Gonya is largely responsible for red tide, an ocean phenomenon that can kill fish and other surrounding aquatic life. Symbiotic? Hardly? Parasitic. I wish. Deadly. Yes.

Jay DeMerit once again put in an edgy, battling, parasitic display. He fed off the physicality of the Slovenians, putting in tackle after tackle after tackle. One moment stood out above all others. In the 55th minute, an errant Donovan back pass caught Dolo flatfooted and left DeMerit on an island. However, rather than back off, he went in two feet first, snuffing out the danger to his teammates’ relief. Just like a Gonyaulax.

The Genius Gymnodinium – Tim Howard

For all the talk of toxins, of red tides, of symbiotic relationships, let’s not forget a simple truth – dinoflagellate contain the capacity for brilliance. Despite not having any armor, the gymno stands out from the dinoflagellate crowd. If you were ever at a dinoflagellate store with your significant other, you would stare in the display cases and immediately have your drawn to the gymno, insisting on its immediate purchase as a romantic souvenir or something.

Tim Howard is the gymnodinium of the US team. He could hardly be faulted for the two Slovenian goals, and soared above his teammates and opposition to punch away crosses and free kicks and headers. While the US backline did limit the Slovenian attack, Howard bossed his box with authority and control, exuding confidence and calm. Just like a gymnodinium.

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