The World Cup Periodic Table

This, my friends, is the smoke before the fire, the thunder before the lightning, the salty sea breeze that portends the coming hurricane. Enjoy and savor the smell, because when all is said and done, when your house lies in rubble, your cash savings burned to keep warm, a smile shall not grace your face. But rather a physical embodiment of WTF?

So now, using the latest in scientology periodic knowledge, based on the same understanding the belied BP’s concept of risk, I invite you to enjoy this periodic table of World Cup proportions.

The Mercurial Spaniards

Spain’s Euro 2006 championship and the sparkling attack of Barcelona has led to a Renaissance on the Iberian peninsula. However, despite this recent success, doubts remain. What happened at the last Confederations Cup? Also, Spain has a checkered history of over hype and underachievement.

With Xavi and Fernando Torres both nursing injuries, the Furia roja does have injury concerns. However, the overarching dilemma is how their trademark slick passing will produce tangible results. Will their gameplan resort to the dazed mad hatter, ambling around with no purpose and wondering why his 20th century felt hat makes his head so dizzy?

The Iron Men of Germany

Speaking of injuries – Michael Ballack at the tender age of 30 something something is out of this World Cup. However, a glance at the Champions League final showed a Bayern Munich chocked full of young German talent. In sum, the Germans are machines. As three time World Cup winners, and semi-finalists in 2006, the Germans can never be underestimated in a game of 90 minutes.

Sure, the shortage of in form strikers is worrisome. But do Germans really need to score goals to win World Cups? Can’t they just diligently defend for 90 minutes, ride a hot goalkeeper, and then nick a goal off a powerful header from a set piece? Of course, the Germans are more than athletic counterattacking – they are also precise in the pass, although more direct than the Spaniards. For all the flair of the Iberians, though, the Germans individually and collectively possess a unity and resolve of….yes. Iron. Well, maybe steel too. But definitely iron.

The Calcified Three Lions

Ah, calcium, abundant on the Earth and, at least in human beings, essential to strong bones. As England’s players ply their trade in the rough & tumble Premiership, strength plays  a key part in the Three Lions’ World Cup plans. A team chocked full of individual talents, fierce tacklers, and mesmerizing dribblers, there is still something lacking, something missing.

It’s a well known fact that Calcium easily, and I mean, waaaaaaaayy easily, gives up two outer shell electrons to Ca2+. Similarly, despite progress under Capello, the broad shouldered English still give up the ball a bit too easily at the international level. And, of course, when one talks about penalty kicks, the Three Lions’ tendency to lose their nerve is well documented.

Those Pesky Italian Coppers

Italy is too old. Italy is too slow. Italy can’t score goals. Such were the cries in 2006, and the Azzurri made the collective media establishment eat their words. In the Serie A, where the 1-0 victory reigns and catenaccio dominates the tactics talk, the defenses bend and twist in infinite varieties without breaking.

Copper, probably crucial to the wires and plugs that you currently use to read this article, is likewise dismissed despite ubiquitous success. Just as Copper can resist the heat of electricity, the media daggers only serve to unite the Italians. They can’t run? When did they ever need to run to win a game? Even a six year old can stand in his own eighteen yard box for 90 minutes. It’s that simple, even if the spectators boo, the pundits pull their hair out, and the general public changes the channel.

The Boron (ing) Brazil of Dunga

Jogabonito? Yawn. Yeah, it makes for great Nike advertising campaigns and keeps Ronaldino employed, but Dunga care little for flair. This is a man who shops for clothes at Target, eats rice & beans everyday for lunch, and drinks either Bud Light or Coors Light. And his team reflects that. Zonal Marking and Santa Pelota have both talked about the terrifying and stealthy might of Brazil.

Boron gets little love from the Periodic Table hype machine. While everybody screams for silicone or oxygen, Boron likes to keep things on the DL. Still, here’s the thing – Boron is super super tough to break down. Neither metal nor non-metal, you can’t even boil this element with HF or HCI. Impressive. But then again, Felipe Melo had a terrible season at Juventus and Gilberto is old. So maybe they will get boiled by HF or HCI. However, I wouldn’t count on it.

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