World Cup Predictions, Betting Tips, SEO SEO

Just when you think that David Bowie has retired from the site, that the Goblin King will no longer grace our presence, that Jorge Luis Borges really is dead and not just waiting for a USMNT run to the finals, bam. It hits you. Despite the odd jokes, obscure historical references, and kinda weird pictures, we at Futfanatico give you the best betting tips for the World Cup while mocking the SEO keyterm Google carousel in an ironic act of betrayal, subversion, and delightful perversion.

Thus, here are your WORLD CUP BETTING TIPS.

Group A – The Group of Dearth

This group presents the most confusion as Mexico is incredibly young, Uruguay has hit a dry spell since the 1950′s, Raymond Domenech makes his starting 11 selection based on horoscopes, and South Africa is both the host & on a tear under Parreira. Still, a few things become clear.

First, Mexico will look great in possession but suffer from woeful finishing. Do you know who Alberto Medina is? You will. He will make great runs as a super sub, but  miss from five yards. Against Uruguay, Giovanni Dos Santos will probably have blood all up and down his legs from the “cleat-meat-special.” Carlos Vela may or may-not chip the keeper.

Second, France will be woeful. The new three winged attack will leave too much work on that one guy, you know, not named Makelele nor Zidane nor Vieira, Toula-hulu or something, and the lack of possession will hinder their progress. Plus, the lopsided attack on the left via Ribery, Malouda, and Evra will cause teams to shift bodies to the left. Which will cause France to experiment with Raymond Domenech as both coach, right back, and right mid. However, his failure to provide enough service to the temperamental Anelka, killing team chemistry.

My prediction? The two teams with the most points will advance out of the group. But barely…

Group B – The Group of Darth

Argentina is favored to advance, although the combined coaching skills of Diego Maradona, the sheer pace of Martin Palermo, and the calm temperament of Sebastian Veron, all make this proposition less than certain. South Korea will rely on Park Ji Sung and that one dude who plays for Bolton. And I think that one dude who plays for Bolton will do quite well, although not quite well enough for me to look up his name on wikipedia.

Nigeria will miss John Obi Mikel, but not as much as Jay Jay Ochoa. Or perhaps I am projecting my own longings and feelings on Nigeria. Regardless, the Chelsea curse has struck yet another national side. And as for Greece. Well, they bring a a brief flash of happiness to the financial chaos back home by creating a few scoring chances from the run of play, as opposed to setpieces. Then, in a brutal deflationary spiral, they will try to barter their shirts post-game for dollars or yen.

My prediction? This is a tough call, but the two teams will the most points will likely advance.

Group C – The Group of Doth

This will be a formidable group and much tougher than anticipated. Despite the blinding pace of Ledley King and the keen back passing of Steven Gerrard, the Three Lions will ride hard on both Wayne Rooney and Peter Crouch. Conversely, the United States will rely on goals from unlikely places: our forwards. The back line will be sliced to pieces, but an unusual twist – competent possession and crafty passing – will ensure more goals from the run of play than 06.

Slovenia will play some gorgeous possession football with first touch passing and triangles all over the pitch. However, the anglo-saxons and Algerians will scythe down the Europeans anytime they approach the 18 yard box. In fact, the Algerians will do their best to upstage the Greeks by playing the “Greece style” on meth.

My prediction? The two teams that have the most points after three games and superior goal differentials will advance. But barely.

Group D – The Group of Duluth

The Germans will miss Michael Ballack, but then remember that several of their other players played in the Champions League final and are under 30 years of age. Then, in assembly like fashion, they will move the ball from side to side and earn a set piece. On that set piece, they will head in a goal. Repeat. The cold weather may cause the gears to freeze up, but the machina is too well programmed to be bothered by such details.

Australia will rely on Tim Cahill, who despite being a tad old will create moments of true danger. However, the out of form Harry Kewell and dearth of other options will hinder the Aussie attack. Also, protests against Kangaroo leather in shoes will distract the players from the games at hand, potentially prompting a shift to Nike boots, which are made out of space alien skin.

As for Serbia, Nemanja Vidic will probably commit a series of serious fouls that should be red cards but are not because of his gregarious smile. With a nod and a wink, only a stern warning will be given and a set piece awarded. Ghana will miss Michael Essien and Stephen Appiah will show that you don’t need regular club football to perform poorly for your national team.

My prediction? The team with the least points will not advance. The team with the second to least points not advance. But BARELY.

Group E – The Group of Dither

Japan will continue to impress by abjectly failing to live up to paltry expectations. Denmark will rely on the grace, elegance, and cunning of Niklas Bendtner. The only question mark is whether his cerebral, methodical, and patient passing game will transfer to the rest of those brutish Danes. Think fish out of water, but so far out of water that the fish is in outer space. But the fish is not on Mars, because Mars has ice and the frozen water would be too similar to Denmark.

Cameroon will continue to rely on Samuel E’too, who under Jose Mourinho learned the art of playing forward and not scoring goals. But will his prolific not-scoring-goals-streak extend to the international level? With a bit of luck, it just might. As for the Netherlands, expect the offense to run through the elderly but indefatigable Gio Van Bronkhurst, who captured your affections at Arsenal but broke your heart at Barcelona. Despite playing for Feyenoord, pronounced Ti-na-Fay-eeeeeee-new-dddd, the outside back will supply plenty of service for the nimble footed Kuyt and iron man Van Persie.

Your best bet is to wager on the two teams with the most points advancing, although don’t bet a mortgage on it.

Group F – The Group of Dirk D

Italy will deploy the dreaded no forward formation, showing as much interest in the ball as your significant other. However, unlike yelling at you for your month long lack of attention, the Italians will complain to the ref about  every call, no call, and phantom no call. Fabio Cannavaro will show why that team from the Middle East recently signed him.

As for Paraguay, expect the Guarani to ride on the back of their recent Argentina acquisition. However, Roque Santa Cruz will remind you he still exists, briefly escaping from the closet Mancini hid him in while at City. New Zealand will exceed expectations. Slovakia, with some quality players in the Serie A, are the dark horses that could cause problems for the white horses, but I assure you it’s not a race thing to use extended metaphors that refer to dark as bad and white as good. I promise.

This group will be incredibly complicated, but you can count on the two teams with the most point safely advancing.

Group G – The Group of Death

Despite the injury to Didier Drogba, the Ivory Coast will make a strong showing. That is, at least until an individual player makes a mistake. Then, the infighting, finger pointing, and yelling will make the Dutch look like the Brady Bunch on methadone. North Korea will defend with numbers, but sorely miss their forward turned goalkeeper.

Brazil will impress you with their commitment to passing the ball sideways, passing the ball backwards, and then passing the ball sideways again. Kaka will assure his fans that he is not injured, rather he is simply “not healthy.” Robinho will show sparks of genius and creativity, only to be benched. Portugal will rely on Cristiano Ronaldo, despite the fact that Simao puts on better showings for the national team. Deco will aim to disprove Chelsea’s claims that he is not committed in training, but half-halfheartedly tackling when not standing still.

This is the toughest group to predict, but expect the two teams with the highest sum of points and best goal differential to advance. But barely.

Group H – The Group of Duuuudeth

Spain is the obvious favorite to advance, but let’s not discount the simmering rage instilled in the hearts of their former colonies. Sure, it’s been over a hundred years since the wars for independence, but Honduras and Chile would love nothing more than to tell that rey where he can stick his furia roja. Still, with injury questions for both David Suazo and Wilson Palacios, Honduras will probably struggle. As for Chile, Marcelo Bielsa led an electrifying qualifying campaign based on offense. However, he also built the Argentine team around Veron in the ill-fated 2002 campaign that was marred by the infamous 3-3-1-3.

As for the Swiss, expect the unexpectedly expected. Predict the unpredictably obvious. Live on the edge of the safe bridge with no chance of falling into the precipice. Gaze into the abyss and boldly proclaim – boring, boring, boring.

This is the toughest prediction, but a hunch makes me think that the two teams with the most points after three games will advance.

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