Oh, hello there. Did you happen to catch the game? Oh, no. You didn’t. After a late Friday night in the United States of America, you couldn’t drag yourself out of bed to catch this match of matches, this game of games, this confusing mass of headlines and sidestories blah blah. By the time your hangover converted into the daily but nonthreatening migraine, you figured the game was over. After all, there was only three minutes of injury time. What could happen in three minutes?

Well, you could microwave popcorn. You could probably even pour yourself a refreshing glass of water or perhaps a delectable carbonated beverage of your choice. Maybe, just maybe, you could even unwrap the scarf bound to Mancini’s neck. Surely in mid-April, his neck is no longer cold. But is he like the mythical pale & beautiful woman from grade school lore, whose head is only kept on by the narrowest of threads? Perhaps he has a rare condition called cuello-cold-itis, in which poor blood circulation makes for extreme discomfort when not properly covered?

Oh yes, the match. Well, City’s barrage of small & crafty forwards continued to dribble and dribble, aided by the late substitution of Shaun Wright Phillips. Of course, this posed a dilemma – with so many free kicks won, who among that bunch would actually win a header? Mancini subbed on Patrick Vieira to said effect, and a Van der Saar miscue almost gifted City a win in the later stages. The flying Dutchman failed to soar far enough to snag the ball, instead palming it delicately into the 8 yard box much like you would place a newborn into a crib. Only Nemanja Vidic, who managed to stop a point blank shot and pass out of danger while sitting saved United’s skin.

Of course, Van der Saar did have a fantastic save off a Carlos Tevez free kick in the first half, so maybe, just maybe, this 40 plus years old veteran with a few titles can be forgiven. Maybe. For all the talk of Tevez revenge, though, the majority of action manifested itself in the dueling-handsome-devils of Craig Bellamy and Gary Neville. Pessimists would call the individual antics “petulant.” Optimists would label them as “scrappy.” Still, if you are ever walking about town and see two ravenous chihuahuas fighting over a bone, try not to stare. But you will fail. At least don’t stick your hand in there.

Oh yes, the game. Well, as you gleamed from a mobile phone sports-ticker application, United won 1-0. The goal was from Paul Scholes. Surely this was one of those classic piledrivers off a setplay, with Giggs teeing him up and the Brandy Dandy unleashing a shot with more venom than all the venomous snakes and venomous spiders of the world combined, and those snakes and spiders to have been subject to creepy secret-government-lab venom enhancing drugs. No. No shot with a foot. No venom. No spider. No secret lab. I’m afraid to say…it was a header. A Paul Scholes header.

Now I know what you’re thinking – a ha! Exactly as Sir Alex planned. A tight game, a winning goal in injury time, the title race trolley continues to the next stop! I hate to break your heart, but Sir Alex did not diagram this play. In fact, I’m sure when he saw a meager 3 minutes of injury time, he checked his watch and thought – “Bloody hell, I have 32 minutes by my count.”

Still, with 30 seconds left in the game, Patrice Evra presumably whipped in a cross and had no clue it was headed in Paul Scholes’ direction. The City defense, knowing that Paul Scholes was in the box, checked out mentally and began to ruminate on their summer plans. “Well, Kolo wants to head to Miami with the missus, but the guys are heading to Tenerife for some golf, hmmmmm.”

Paul took advantage of the time and space to prepare himself spiritually and mentally to channel the Karma spirit of the deceptively fast & bouncing header. The ball did not strike his head. His head did not strike the ball. Rather, the two merged briefly to share the same plane and dimension before – whack – the hand of the Karma spirit guided the ball to the back of the net.

Scholesy, of course, leaped up in celebration and ran to the visiting section. He was just glad he didn’t break his nose.

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