So, in case you do not live in a cave with wax in your ears and a blindfold carefully tied over your eyes, Madrid has a bit of a big game. A reader reminded me that it has been ages since I last glanced into a magic ball via the assistance of David Bowie. Why? Why so long? Why so serious?

Well, the future is a terrifying place. I saw my own death, and, as expected, it sucks. I also saw a few other deaths – which likewise suck. You would never think that carrying a spoon while running down a flight of 12th century stairs in a Buddhist temple in Nepal would be dangerous, but then some careless monk tosses his banana peel and…You get the picture.

On the other hand, the future is amorphous. Too many writers toss out hypotheticals such as “If Madrid gets the first goal early, then…” or “If Lyon can survive the first 20 minutes, then…”.

Thus, in the interest of justice and reality and my journalistic integrity, I present my preview of the Madrid game with painstaking precision.

First, the game will take place at the Santiago Bernabeu stadium. I absolutely positively guarantee that this game will not be played at the Nou Camp, the Vicente Calderon stadium, or even the Sanchez Pizjuan stadium in Sevilla. Not a chance.

Second, I predict that despite a 1:30 game time, the actual start time will be at least ten minutes later. Not five minutes. Not six minutes. Not even seven minutes. TEN MINUTES. Why? Heineken commercials. Plus, Bank CEOs want to pay thousands of Euros for their kids to be on TV and hold players’ hands. And who am I to stop them?

Third, I predict that the first half will not last longer than 55 game time minutes. Not 56 minutes. Not even 55 and a half minutes. Not even 55 minutes and one second. 55 minutes and ya! Why? Because Sir Alex Ferguson is not the manager of Real Madrid and thus his magical capacity to extend matches while down one goal will be absent.

Fourth, I predict that the second half will not last longer than 55 game time minutes. Not 56 minutes. Not even 55 and a half minutes. Not even 55 minutes and one second. 55 minutes and ya! Why? Because Sir Alex Ferguson is not the manager of Real Madrid and thus his magical capacity to extend matches while down one goal will be absent.

Fifth, I predict that Real Madrid manager Manuel Pellegrini will wear a tie and suit. No t-shirt. No athletic shirt. No tennis shoes. Nike and Reebok emblems will be curiously absent. Not even a black cut-off with “Twisted Sister.” Suit. SUIT.  Suit pants. Suit jacket. Tie. Manuel will not even try to pull off white athletic socks with his dapper pants and dress shoes, like that time you were late to work but forgot to do the laundry the night before. No. If Manuel has to put on a stanky pair of shoes, it’s fine. After all, his co-workers run around and sweat and smell ten times worse. Okay, maybe only 5 times worse.

Sixth, the Real Madrid players will wear jerseys with their last name on the back and a gambling website on the front. The gambling website will be Bwin. Not BetUS. Not BetFair. Bwin. In the case of a repetitive last name or a last name of great length, a nickname will be used.

And as for the game? Well, that’s anyone’s guess. I do predict that if no goals are scored, Madrid will not advance. However, if some goals are scored, then Madrid may advance. MAY.

And you can count on it.

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