29
Jan
Written by: Elliott
People always stop me on the street and ask – why haven’t you written anything clever about Diego Maradona in so long? Before I can respond, one of my guardaespaldas, normally Brunito, a 6′5 robust man of Senegalese descent, throws them into a dumpster.
But the other day, while laughing at this poor man in a dumpster, I thought to myself – wow, it has been awhile since I wrote something about the pibe of pibes. I also have not stolen content for over a week, an eternity for me. So here it comes, my adoring public…
Jose Mujica, the recent president-elect of Uruguay, wants Diego Maradona to work on a new anti-drug campaign. (LA Times). Apparently, Robert Downing Jr. and River Phoenix were unavailable. (Tonight Show with Conan…err Jay Leno)
Dieguito recently traveled to South Africa and said he was very impressed by the hosts’ preparations. Diego concluded his trip at Soccer City, where he showed off some mad foot skills with the new jabulani ball. He was rumored to have kicked a soccer ball several times. (Canadian Press). Oh, delight. (Elliott Exclusive)
Diego’s earrings, which were confiscated by the tax man in Italy, were auctioned for over $36,000. (Reuters) His fake penis, though, remains at large and is rumored to be valued at over ten times that amount. (Elliott Exclusive)
Diego’s “promoters” have launched a new cable and internet channel dedicated to, you guessed it, Diego Maradona. (Canadian Press). This channel, though, will go beyond mere video replays of Diego’s goals. Allegedly, ballistics experts will prove that it was physically impossible for Diego to have scored the hand of God goal from the 11th story of the book depository in Dallas – no, it had to have been two individuals working in close coordination from a grassy nole. (Oliver Stone Project)
Diego barely had a year to chastise his daughter for having a child with that Keun punk before, you guessed it, he impregnated his 20 something girlfriend. (Entertainment & Showbiz). Of course, this means his lovechild will be both a bastard and an uncle one year younger than his nephew.(Family Planning Consortium)
Speaking of which, Diego has said that Argentina still has spots up for grabs (Goal). Yet he curiously has not called up Atletico sensation Kun Aguero. Could it be…could it be….the impregnation of his daughter, affair, and nasty split? (Kickette). Maybe.
Yet I find it very disturbing that while Messi mimics Diego’s greatness on the field, Kun mirrors Diego’s antics off it. I may write an angry letter to the Dolly-the-sheep scientists and ask the obvious question: why can’t we genetically combine these two players for the sake of concision? I’m not one to just write an angry letter, no sir, nor am I going to tip off any…..
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