28
Nov
Written by: Elliott
Wayne Rooney scored three goals against Portsmouth. And in honor of his hat-trick, we proudly present a series of wildly exaggerated sports cliches with little basis in reality.
Wayne Rooney is out of this world. Today, at 13:05 army time, the Space Shuttle Astronausus successfully launched into outer space from the Kennedy Space Center in Orlando, Florida. The forecast called for clear skies and plenty of sunlight, and a large crowd gathered for the launch. The Astronausus is on an extended two month mission to collect the dust particles of nearby passing comets. It is believed these minerals may hold a clue as to the Earth’s formation billions of years ago. Of the two astronauts aboard, Michael Hopkins and Wayne Rooney, Wayne has a young child and surely will be eager to set foot upon solid ground in 60 days time. We wish him the best of luck and a safe return trip.
Wayne Rooney is on fire. Cooking oil – the silent killer. We regret to inform the Manchester community that Wayne Mark Rooney, born October 24, 1985 to Thomas Wayne and Jeanette Marie, died this morning in icu at the greater Manchester hospital from third degree burns covering his entire body. A preliminary police report indicates that Wayne set a kettle to boil, presumably preparing hard-boiled eggs, but then clumsily drifted off to sleep. Unfortunately for Wayne, and the entire Rooney family, the fainest trail of Mazola oil covered the stove, leading eventually to a fire that consumed the entire Rooney estate and, sadly, this young man’s life.
Wayne Rooney is unstoppable. After a knee injury ruined his career and a divorce left him desperate, Wayney turned to the one profession he could trust: the open road. Wayney borrowed a credit card from dad, bought a rig, and took to the streets and freight-cargo delivery with determination and grit. But the road plays tricks on you. Especially at night. One night, after taking enough no-dose to wake up a cadaver, Rooney saw in the flashing lights behind his speeding truck a UFO. Not wanting to risk another alien full body search, he sped on and on and on. The police barricades, the shot-out tires, all efforts to detain him failed miserably. All but one…
Wayne Rooney is composed and deadly. Sergeant Rooney was not always a sniper. No, he entered the armed forces just like any other grunt – a marine man. The push-ups, the hazing, the solitude, the danger – nothing could distract young Wayne from his goal. He rarely made eye contact with drill sergeants, but it was for their own good. A glance into his dark, focused, intense eyes would make Medusa blink from anxiety. When Wayne recorded his first major kill in Sri Lanka, he used his gold medal as a coaster.
Wayne Rooney is the white Pele. Did you ever notice that Pele has tipped just about every country to win the World Cup…but England? The scary thing about the feature film Avatar is not the special effects, but its realism. I am still not sure how this works – does Pele put on a pudgy body suit, or does Rooney slim down in a sweat-filled sauna ala Russell Crowe post-Gladiator? But make no mistake, Rooney-Pele would never jeopardize his own team’s chances of winning the World Cup with a bold prediction. But he would play the puppet in a twisted game of bodysnatchers.
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