The FIFA handslap brigade is at it again. This time, the dastardly, ever cruel judges at the FIFA headquarters, conveniently located atop a menacing mountaintop (known as “Skull Mountain” by local indigenous peoples), have issued a very strong sentence: Diego Maradonna has been banned from all football activities for two months. Yes, you read that right. ALL football activities. This is not a touchline ban. This is not a game suspension. This is every single activity related to football and/or footballery. The obvious question: how does this affect you?

Well, I begin with the worst news. Unfortunately, Diego’s traveling circus of indoor soccer will grind to a halt. Yes, the Diego “showball” tour, with its proceeds destined to some charity with a CEO that undoubtedly is a blood relative of Maradonna, will cease for a time.

You will have to content yourself with youtube footage of an overweight, out of shape, and probably intoxicated Diego wrongfooting an amateur 22 year old whose parents paid hundreds of thousands of dollars for the honor.

But there is good news. VERY good news. First, a religious theme park in Buenos Aires is considering a Diego slip-and-slide ride in honor of the Argentine victory over Peru. More importantly, the Diego activity was a slide, not a dive. Thus, as the slip-and-slide is distinct from soccer, Diego can continue slipping and sliding to his heart’s content.

And of course, while a handball is certainly related to the sport of soccer and thus banned, Diego still has flexibility to make hand gestures unrelated to football. If you see Maradonna on the street, be sure to wave and exchange a “saludo” with the Argentine idol.

Don’t worry – he won’t bite!

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