This weekend was an all you-can-eat buffet of MLS playoffs, World Cup qualifiers, and meaningless friendlies. In the US, scoring goals in regulation has gone the way of the zootsuit. However, in Africa, scoring deep in injury time has experienced a renaissance of mod-style proportions. EPIC proportions. And in Europe, scoring has gone the way of the dodo.

I bravely attempt to encapsulate the weekend’s essence in under one thousand words. This is the rough equivalent of one picture, but none of the sole-fingered salute were deemed appropriate by the editorial board.

In the World of Whitman…

The MLS playoffs reached new heights with tasty match ups to wet the appetite. On the West Coast, the Los Angeles Galaxy played the Houston Dynamo well after your bedtime. And the game ended even later, due to a series of power outages which can only be deemed “laughably fantabulous.” But MLS is no laughing matter. It is a professional league that commands your respect.

Neither team could score in regulation despite the tv timeouts, but in extra-time the banana peel appeared via a setpiece. David Beckham floated in a delicious far-post free kick, Houston failed to clear, and forever-young Gregg Berhalter pounced to give LA a 1-0 lead. Minutes later, Ricardo Clark committed a reckless foul on Alan Gordon in the box, and Landon Donovan calmly sent Pat Onstad the wrong way to send the Galaxy faithful into delirium. But where was one downside: the Beckham pob. Hopefully he can get a haircut before next Sunday, assuming he’s decided on his piglet names by that date.

In the Midwest, the Chicago Fire and Real Salt Lake, who we assure you, yes, as really located in close proximity to a lake full of salt water, squared off in an exciting albeit fruitless 90 minutes of soccer. The goaltenders played the part of hero, as RSL dominated the opening salvo whereas the Fire had second half full of hope but dashed by deficient finishing. Daggumit!

The teams continued to not score for another 30 minutes, and then the Lord Almighty blessed us with penalty kicks to put one of the teams out of their misery. Nick Rimando grabbed the ship’s helm, tricked the Cyclops, killed Medusa, and then produced some true heroics: saving three penalty kicks as RSL upset Chicago and qualified for the MLS Cup.

On the Elderly “But Still’s Got it” Continent…

A series of worthless friendlies distracted a few, but the first legs of the European playoffs provided opiates for the soccer craving masses. In Ireland, Trappatoni’s hardworking and industrious side pitted forces against the cock-of-the-walk sauntering French. Les Bleus absolutely did everything possible to not score a goal, their indifference and boredom communicated with every touch and horizontal pass to Lass Diarra. “Oh my,” thought Thierry Henry, “tis so nice to be back on the Isles.”

Things went horribly wrong, though, when “Le Sulke”, Nicolas Anelka, attemtped an audacious self pass off an Irish defender. Not accustomed to passing, Anelka put too much weight on the ball and it caromed off the defender’s foot and skipped into the gaping Irish net. His teammates were absolutely livid with him, with Gallas yelling “You know if we win we have to put up with Domenech at least three more games…think of the team!!”

Meanwhile, in Greece, confusion reigned as to the game’s moral and strategic victor. The match ended 0-0, and the Ukrainians were relieved to only need a 1-0 victory in Kiev. However, the Greeks were exceedingly jubilant after not conceding a goal. When Futfanatico’s crack reporting team tried to explain that you have to score a goal to win a tie, let alone a game, the Greeks laughed “rubbish.” And then cited Euro 2004.

In Russia, Gus Hiddink guided his side to a 2-1 win over Slovenia. However, the late Slovenian goal could come back to haunt the Russians, and not in a Casper-the-friendly-ghost sense. Slovenia only needs to win 1-0 at home to advance on the away goals rule, although rumor has it that Russian oligarch Roman Abramovitch is lobbying for a temporary suspension of that rule until after January. He has appealed to the European Court of Arbitration, where he has had considerable success with transfer bans and player suspensions.

And some other games may have been played that we didn’t see or care to see.

On the Dark Continent…

The name of the game was stirring comebacks. The Cantankerous Kenyans made Nigeria earn their birth. First, Nigeria came from a goal down to take a 2-1 lead. Then, Kenya scored the equalizer deep in the second half, but a dramatic Martins’ goal in the 83rd minute gifted the Golden Eagles a victory and a berth.

In Northern Africa, ancient rivals Algeria and Egypt squared off in the most pulsating of puls-er-atory affairs. This was the match of the weekend. Egypt need to win by 3 goals to advance, and 2 goals would force a playoff in that booming vacation destination of Sudan. The Pharaohs endured a dream start with a second minute goal, but then struggled to break down an organized and stubborn Algerian defense.

For their own part, the Algerians produced technically proficient counterattacks to scare the daylights out of the home fans. As the clocks’ hand turned, Egypt grew desperate and threw more and more bodies forward. In the 80th minute, the fingertips of the Egyptian goalie stood between divinity and disaster as he deflected an audacious chip shot.

Then, as the sands slipped through the hour glass like the days of our lives, as the sun set on Cleopatra’s empire, Emad Moteab, a now world-renowned celebrity whose mere name could launch a global media campaign, nodded a picture perfect far post header towards frame. The ball bounced and 25% of the Egyptian male population experienced shortness of breath, sharp chest pains, and other signs of coronary heart disease….

And then it went in.

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