Alright, I know most of you don’t like MLS and don’t care. But I do. Concision is appreciated by the reader. This will be the briefest of KC Wizards eulogies. And I will try to stay positive and offer a not-too-elaborate plan to right the ship.

Jimmy Conrad won the co-humanitarian of the year award and Chet North won the head athletic trainer of the year award. Also, deposed coach Curt Onalfo won the “manager-most-likely-sacked-for-failure-to-sign-a-competent-target-forward” award. And his acceptance speech brought tears to my eyes. But seriously, another season passes and dust collects on the once proud Wizard’s trophy case. Johnny, the trophy-polisher and official trophy-placer, is nervous about his job.

I remember the glory days of 2000, when flannel was unpopular but still in the collective unconscious, Al Gore was busy inventing the internet, and on a cold October day in RFK stadium, the KC Wizards beat the Chicago Fire 1-0 to claim the championship. At the time, the Wizards had won roughly 20% of all MLS championships. Yes, 1 out of 5. I was giddy at a schoolboy. In part because I was still in school.

Carlos Bocanegra was the Chicago Fire’s rookie of the year, but Bob Bradley’s side could not solve the puzzle to the Wizards goal. An impenetrable and uncompromising Tony Meola stood before them, his ponytail blowing in the wind as if to taunt their twenty yard shots. The goal scored by Miklos Molnar was no fluke – the “Danish Dynamite” had scored five goals in the playoffs.

But I’m afraid that since that fateful day, the percentage of MLS championships won by the Wizards has decreased. It is just below 10%, a statistic wholly unacceptable. And I believe that look forwards, we must examine the past. I believe the time has come to bring back a former star player who has since proved his mettle. Yes. I want Preki!

Here’s why, in part.

In addition to scoring that goal against Brazil in 1998, he has done a solid job as coach of Chivas USA. And I know that acquiring him could be complicated, but I have a few ideas. First, Preki played for the US but was born in Serbia. We can exploit this weakness. The traditional Serbian diet consists of cevapcici, a minced meat roll. Secondly, we place a trail of cevapcicis from Preki’s Los Angeles home to the Wizards Swope Park training facility in Kansas City. Then, we place a large plate of said cevapcicis underneath a cardboard box that is delicately tilted on a branch with a string attached.

I know what your thinking – Preki, as a successful coach, probably spends most of his time working at the Home Depot Center. Why not place the food trail there? Well, unfortunately Chivas USA shares this fine facility with the Los Angeles Galaxy. And the risk of Bruce Arena sniffing the minced meat and following the trail is simply too great.

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