Should a champion be adorned in lockets of gold, silver, and diamonds? Should the robe be a royal purple? No. To win the title, you must expose your soul, demonstrate your commitment, and bare your essence. But not your underwear. Let it be decreed – the best dressed designated players shall reside in the West!

Are you a successful mid30´s European or Mexico-based soccer player? Want to come stateside for a few slightly competitive seasons to catch the American vibe? Well, if you are not a former underwear model, I have some bad news – you can only play on the frigid East Coast. They say looks can kill, and out West, you need killer looks to land a DP contract.

The expansion Seattle Sounders have lived the dream of many a housewife, riding on the back of Freddie Ljungberg to a playoff appearance.

Did you know that he had that tattoo? I know – I am now offended and refuse to drive my mini-van full of seven year olds to Qwest field to see such filth. But I´m a minority.

And as for the Los Angeles Galaxy, we all know the hype when Becks landed at the Home Depot Center.

Despite an injury-plagued first season and issues with Donovan, this year the Galaxy have made the playoffs and won the Western Conference. But recent reports indicate his once bulging sixpack has become a whattablah thanks to whattaburger.

But why do I exclude the beasts in the East, you ask? Well, here is a shirtless picture of Cuauhtemoc Blanco.

I rest my case. And I hope the Chicago Fire do not win the crown, just to avoid a possible repeat of said shirtless Blanco. Or maybe the cameras can cut to a fan running onto the field.

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