The Ugly, Diving Duckling

Eduardo has been sentenced to a 2 game ban for “diving.” UEFA could not write a diving specific prohibition because the offense is too amorphous. Thus, Platini relied on an ambiguous and long unused snippet of statutory text. Technically, Eduardo was convicted of “simulation.” But the legal logistics are not exactly what bothers me.

Some have defended the divers. Others have distinguished their actions. Yet simmering under the surface of the diving debate is the shadow of criminal justice discourse. We view the players and referees as rational, self-interested actors. As per Mr. Kant, they act, and they must accept the consequences of those actions. Or do they?

The diver is guilty. Now he is guilty and sentenced. The referee appears to favor certain teams. Thus, in the spirit of justice, he should recuse himself from certain matches. Why do these archetypes dominate our thinking? Why do we soil the beautiful game with a courtroom that would make Kafka cry? Why play hang-man with our soccer idols?

Civilization must be defended. The perfect is the enemy of the good. Would you like another kleenex for your death of humanism barbecue-sobfest? Will the Platini punishment lead to multiple referees lead to tv replays lead to more commercial ad time lead to interminable borefests? I pray the World football does not go the way of unwatchable American football.

I propose an alternative in practice – embrace uncertainty. An example. The baseball strikzone has perplexed generations of astronomers. The zone is imaginary and context-based, depending on the referee (umpire), the pitcher, the batter, and the game. Disagreement pervades, but never spirals out of control. Chalk delineates fair from foul. Square mats guide runners in a diamond-shaped obstacle course. But the strike zone remains as intangible and essential as air.

I propose an alternative in theory – the fairytale. Check the baggae at the door as you filter into the Stretford End. Reason and free will do not always determine a game´s outcome – sometimes we fall victims to capricious stepmothers. But open your mind to the possibility.

David Silva slaloms through the opposing defense before a neat far post finish. Did you just see a magic carpet ride?

John Terry soars over his marker, nodding home at the farpost. Did he climb a giant beanstalk?

Wayne Rooney goes to ground after grazing Almunia´s arms. Did you expect his nose to swell? Not even for a minute?

The referee mistakes Diego Maradonna´s hand for a head, gifting Argentina a crucial goal. Thanks godmother!

Angst. Frustration. Certainty. None are synonyms for justice. The way we view soccer says as much about us as it does about the sport itself. The current cloud of punishment has cast a dark shadow on the beautiful game, and only we can lift it.

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