Arsenal and United butted heads while Chelsea and Liverpool feasted on lesser opposition. All the Premiership stars shone brightly, as Rooney, Arshavin, Gerrard, and Torres found the back of the net. But of course, a picture says so much more…

At Old Trafford…

In the first clash of heavyweights this season, United got the better of Arsenal by the narrowest of margins. While Andrei Arshavin scored on an indisputable bullet of a shot, the opener for United left room for debate.

Rooney, the allegedly felled party, also stepped forward to slot home the penalty kick and turn the tide of the game. He was defensive when asked about the decision. He also appeared angry about the summer happenings. When asked about the exodus of world class players from United, he channeled the spirit of Sean Connery in Dragonheart and belted “I am the last one.” We know Wayne. It’s okay to be frustrated. But stay on your feet.

Meanwhile, the man responsible for United’s winner, Abou Diaby, made up all sorts of excuses for his mistake. “I thought it was United’s goal,” was definitely our favorite. However, a close second was “I want a new contract with improved wages per own-goal-not-scored.”

At the Bridge…

The Blues cruised to a 3-0 victory over Burnley, showing that diamonds are an Italian mistress’s best friend. Despite not scoring, Didier Drogba continued his fine form, setting the table on the first Chelsea goal and just generally making Burnley’s central defense wish they had stuck with highschool.

Despite not scoring a goal, Drogba was in a jovial mood. He noted that he stood second place in the EPL scoring charts and had three times as many goals at Nicolas Anelka. He then pulled out and waved a fistful of pounds, shouting “give me my money, give me my money.” Peter Kenyon was unavailable for comment.

At the Reebok…

Liverpool struggled to break down an organized Bolton side, but a man-advantage and late Gerrard bomb propelled the Reds to a 3-2 victory. When pointedly asked if Liverpool was a two-man side, Rafa Benitez smiled sheepishly.

With a wink that was neither surreptitious nor convincing, Benitez explained that he “counted 11 Liverpool players on the field.” He also praised new signing Glen Johnson, who now has more goals than Dirk Kuyt and Ryan Babel combined. “Glen is a fantastic striker, however he could use some defending tips from Kuyt.”

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