MLS Manifesto – Rules of Engagement

I have continued my barnstorming tour of MLS stadia this summer, this time visiting Community American Ballpark in Kansas City last night. While the Wizards struggled to break down an organized Real Salt Lake, and ended up losing 1-0, once again my thoughts drifted to certain basic principles for MLS. Several, in fact. And all of them have to deal with the stadium experience.

MLS Commandment #12 – Let Thy Freedom Ring…

I was disturbed at the hatred of freedom. Obligatory sitting? See it to believe it.

I can understand the need for security and control – but as Thomas Jefferson once said, “freedom is also pretty cool, security problems aside.” Also, how can fans effectively express themselves? Plus, when sitting down, you cannot get the proper leverage to shimmy a rival fan with a carefully concealed butterfly knife. You won’t even break skin!

Luckily, other sections of the stadium had more lenient rules:

While the standing is categorically prohibited, in this case due to “viewing concerns,” there are rightful exceptions for the scoring of a goal and the “shirt-shot.” For those UK fans unaccustomed to such in-game promotions, the shirt-shot is when a hitman uses the team jerseys as a silencer when killing an unlucky, randomly-selected rival fan. He then uses that jersey to clean up the blood.

Violating the Spirit of Rules #3 & #5 – Defy thy Colonial Master

Confusion has reigned when interpreting MLS Manifesto commandments #3 and #5, concerning the scarf and English. Basically, we must battle the insidious colonial masters at every turn. Sadly, at Community America Ballpark, the despondent tyrants have established a culinary foothold.

Fish do not go with chips. In fact, fish should only be eaten by coastal-dwellers unable to obtain the necessary beef for a Big Mac. And chips? These were not chips. The gastronomical monstrosity more closely resembled the freedom (not french) fry.

Luckily, though, I saw signs of resistance.

A local band of wheat beer -brewing guerilla mercenaries had established a fort nearby. We can only pray for a successful resistance, although no word yet on if they have been able to securing war financing from the French.

MLS Commanment #13 – Baseball is Not Football is Not Soccer

I understand that Community American ballpark is a stopgap measure – a proper soccer stadium is in the works, and Community America is much better than the cavernous catacombs of Arrowhead. Of course, when choosing between a bank-corporate sponsor and a name offensive to Native Americans, one is in a lose-lose situation.

But some images shocked the conscience. Psst, the soccer jersey did not hid the pitcher’s mound. Not even a little bit.

Also, the Wizards lost 1-0, despite having a man advantage for the entire second half. The Wizards did create a handful of half-chances, but Claudio Lopez’s corner kicks lacked the bite and height to trouble Real Salt Lake.

The final? Well, I left after the seventh inning stretch, but at the time it was a close 1 run affair, with two outs and a full count.

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