Today UEFA banned the vuvuzelas. Uefa’s argued that the “buzzing” sound drowned out the crowd’s emotional response to the match. This background “noise” diluted “the culture and tradition of Europe.” And no. The President of UEFA is French and his last name starts with P, but he not Le Pen.

Now if you will briefly indulge me, let’s go hunting for Huntington. (more…)

The universe has inverted itself. The malcontent souls go to AC Milan, while the bad souls go to Barcelona. As for those in between – the hapless sailors aboard a ship sailed by a ruthless and sinful captain, the ocean opens up its mighty mouth but refuses to swallow them whole. Rather, they float, and they float, and they float. The currents toss them to and fro, the hypnotizing rhythm of the waves lulls them into exhausted slumber until salt water filled lungs choke them awake. Van Der Vaart is one of these souls. (more…)

The beauty of soccer lies in the invisible realm of human interaction. Synapses, emotions, understanding, the unseen often dictates human relations more so than the obvious. All too often, the realm of movies with voice-over kills the complexity of a clever screenplay or a dynamic play. If one could pry open Jose’s skull and see his thoughts, they would either be “Oh mierda” or “Oh shit.” Welcome to Madrid, Monseur Mourinho. (more…)

Not quite original content, not quite a link-up, we present a special new post here at Futfanatico: the sarcastic one. Novel, no? Now on with it.

First, the Guardian reports that Inter faxed an offer for Javier Mascherano to Liverpool. The offer? Sulley Muntari plus 6 million pounds. Now I know your confusion – after reading that sentence, you thought that Inter must have offered to pay Liverpool 6 million pounds to take Muntari’s wages off the book. No. I’m afraid not. Re-read the sentence…. Yep. So here’s my explanation.

Alcohol. Some sneaky intern got a bit tipsy while working late hours and mailed in a preposterous fax to Liverpool. The Guardian article failed to give a date or time for the fax, so this is entirely plausible. Another explanation is that Muntari sent the fax himself, hoping to leave Inter, and wrote it in confusing language in the hopes of confusing Liverpool. Perhaps he wrote “You will not unsign Javier Mascherano in the possible exchange for accepting Sulley Muntari and you don’t not dislike six million pounds DO NOT SIGN HERE IF YOU DON’T ACCEPT.” (more…)

Up until this point, the story of Junito’s rise to the top of Real Madrid has been rather “toddler-centric.” However, it was inevitable that my actuacion as papy-entrenador would come into question after a run of poor results. I hate to say it, but if I were England manager, I would be more McLaren then Eriksson (which is a bad thing).

Unlike Raymond Domenech, my aloof and academic demeanor has not led to an explosion of infighting at the household. I have nothing to run from. However, like a certain Capello, my tactics and approach to personnel has been called into question. Basically, am I putting Junito first? (more…)

It’s time for a good old fashioned link-up. Stop, make sure no co-workers or supervisors are in sight, and then click more. Wait for it….wait for it….wait for it…NOW (more…)

There is a saying – familiarity breeds contempt. However, for the attacking trident of Chelsea, a keen understanding and movement has led to a whopping 12-0 goal differential and two wins. Granted, neither West Brom nor Wigan will be fighting for titles this season, but…but…but…six goals is six goals is six goals. (more…)

So, in the spirit of WAATP shit look-a-likes, I stumbled upon a delightful feature film which I think sets the course for Jose Mourinho’s coaching career at Real Madrid. That film? Stanley Kubrick’s “The Shining.” So grab a bag of fresh popcorn, tuck your kiddos safely into bed, and get ready to be terribly amazed. (more…)

For those of you not in the know (yes, you), Brian at Run of Play has been holding a special “Pele Week” to celebrate the player who advertised for Viagra but did not use it. Of course, Pele denied needing to use the ED solving drug, but that did not stop an immediate surge in use & eventual government restrictions on ads. O Rei, indeed.

I wrote a guest post for Mr. Phillips’ delightful site, ignoring the ED issues and focusing on the greatest goal never scored and the most overrated goal ever scored. Read here.

Every society has a cultural expression for childhood fear. In the United States of America, a land of abundance, vast homes, and suburban distance, the isolation manifests itself in the form of monsters. These monster do not lurk in the woods, the roof, or the basement. Rather, these insidious fiends dwell in the vacant spaces that we reserve for our bloated quantity of non-essential material possessions: the closet, under the bed. At night, after you parents have left and the clouds have strangled any glimpse of light out of the moon, you can hear the creepy critters scattering about. You pull the sheet up and over your head, but to no avail. The monster can hear you breathing. And, more disturbingly, you can hear them breathing.

Like the IPCC, I may lack some peer-reviewed scientific support for my conclusions, but these monsters are the stuff of fantasy. Despite my insistence that my father inspect the empty suitcases in my closet night after night, no gremlin ever emerged. Yet the fear I felt in my childhood was real; it gripped me.

In Nicaragua, the children fear a more tangible menace. Upon the rat-a-tat of a snare drum, shrieks feel the streets as toddlers run indoor to cower inside locked bathrooms. The drumming reaches a frenetic beat, and then the monster presents him or herself. Adorned in an elaborate mask and 18th century colonial attire, accompanied by a wide headed and body-less monster playing the snare, the dreaded gigantona steps into view.

I fear only for the fear of Junito. And how this fear may affect his career at Real Madrid. (more…)