So, back in November of last year, Wayne Rooney was playing well and we sung his praises with a look at some trite football cliches. But here’s the dilemma – since that time, Rooney has gone on an even more torrid goalscoring run and his talents transcend “football.” Thus, we present a series of trite cliches that go beyond the sport. (more…)

So, in case you do not live in a cave with wax in your ears and a blindfold carefully tied over your eyes, Madrid has a bit of a big game. A reader reminded me that it has been ages since I last glanced into a magic ball via the assistance of David Bowie. Why? Why so long? Why so serious?

Well, the future is a terrifying place. I saw my own death, and, as expected, it sucks. I also saw a few other deaths – which likewise suck. You would never think that carrying a spoon while running down a flight of 12th century stairs in a Buddhist temple in Nepal would be dangerous, but then some careless monk tosses his banana peel and…You get the picture.

On the other hand, the future is amorphous. Too many writers toss out hypotheticals such as “If Madrid gets the first goal early, then…” or “If Lyon can survive the first 20 minutes, then…”.

Thus, in the interest of justice and reality and my journalistic integrity, I present my preview of the Madrid game with painstaking precision. (more…)

Now I know your general defense – athletes are not role models. No, when they sign their professional contract and jump headfirst into the public eye, they have a license to kill. The media is to blame for making them celebrities, not their sport. So what if they get the odd misdemeanor assault charge? Every family has a black sheep, so why should sport be different?

Well, my friend, I’m afraid just isn’t good enough. I have high standards for my testosterone exuding idols – which is why I am furious at Sergios Ramos for his latest goal celebration and its odd explanation. (more…)

So yeah, it’s been awhile since I dissected a few myths surrounding the US national team. In general, I like to avoid topics that invite trolls. In case you hadn’t noticed, my blog’s readership has focused on quality, not quantity. Do I go off the deep end to bad mouth the US soccer foundation for hosting roughly countless friendlies per year against Latin American teams on non-FIFA dates just for gate receipts? Yes. But good readers hold me in check.

So the game against Holland in Holland. The US failed to spectacularly crush the Dutch by a scoreline of 5-0 and you are disappointed and venting your frustration at individual players. Those who failed to score a hat trick are your forum effigies to be mocked and tossed under a semi-truck.

But should we really be concerned? Take…a…deep….breath. (more…)

I am all smiles today and for one simple reason: this morning, Junito absolutely wanted nothing to do with the broom. Nope, he sprung out of bed, ran to the closet, picked out the soccer ball, and woke me via the traditional “ball hits head” approach. It’s much more effective than an alarm clock.

Perhaps as a young father, I overreacted to the ever slightly changing preferences of a toddler? Nevertheless, I speculate that the trip to the motherland helped reignite his passion to be Madrid’s greatest player. Plus, we got a little help from the Lazytown’s protagonist Sporticus. Junito saw this bastion of masculinity kicking a soccer ball and knew it was okay for half anglo saxons to play this sport, even though it only marginally involves butting shoulders and grabbing at other males. The Backyardigans also had a wicked and trippy soccer monster episode.

My initial reaction was obviously warm and streaming tears of joy. I immediately thought – there is a Jesus, he loves me, and he guides Junito inexorably towards Real Madrid greatness. Or something like that. Plus, on top of Junito’s first career resurrection, during a vicious short side game, Junito landed his first proper tackle. Am I dreaming? Don’t wake me up! (more…)

First it was Mrs. Alonso’s womb, but now the competition between Ronaldo and Xabi has hit a new low – easy to make penalty kicks. Read more about this new development at the fantastic satirical soccer blog Fisted Away. No cash was exchanged for said anchor text, I assure you.

So, perhaps it’s just the Chelsea hate, but, but…I’m kinda falling in love with City. And it’s just not just the UK isles pronunciation of “Ci-tay.” No, it’s much more profound. (more…)

John Terry. Did I miss the bandwagon? Or am I fashionably late? Regardless of your level of interest, know this – John Terry’s sex life has stuck a simmering poker into the gaping chasm between the anglo-saxon cultures and the Latin world. And yes, I am referring to Sepp Blatter’s odd comments. And yes, I am giving him way too much credit. And yes, I will muse on the Bridge snub. Just bear with me… (more…)